Succumb Not to Conformity

2012-01-25T21:18:00.003Z

Whuuuuuuuut. Evanescence is going to perform in Singapore?! I WOULD TOTALLY GO, if I were at home. Yeah, tickets are kinda pricey but they're the band that produced the very first CD I'd purchased (I was eleven). There is a reason for having an Amy Lee poster on my bedroom wall (or used to, since I'd stripped the wall right before I'd left and it's now whitewashed anyway). This is going to sound so immature and stupid to some people, but Amy Lee was my inspiration when I'd auditioned for choir, both times for SAJChorale and for The Vocal Consort. It's not that I'd ever sound like her, but it worked man. I can't imagine looking up to Tarja Turunen or Sharon den Adel as my choral inspiration because... Well just because! Cristina Scabbia might have been a reasonable choice too but I've been listening to Evanescence for a much longer time than Lacuna Coil. I wish I was in Singapore for this because I would bring my sister with me. I think she'd appreciate it... Or I might be wrong.. But still!!

Actually, looking at this objectively, I think I'm more interested in the idea of going for this concert with my sister more than watching the band itself because I'd probably get to watch Evanescence here anyway.

Onesies (rompers) for contemporary squad were distributed today. Here's to seeing my 4-month old name in print. Cue narcissism.

I've been coughing a lot and have been living under the paranoia of disturbing my neighbours because the coughing fits can be quite insistent and usually occur in the dead of the night. It has thus far evolved into a sore throat -- the kind which brings about a spike in body temperature. This really isn't the time to fall sick. Well, it is never time to fall sick, for that matter.

2012-01-23T01:38:00.000Z

Chinese New Year, the so-called rebirth of spring and starting a new cycle on the lunar calendar. As an ethnic Chinese, I am expected to embrace, no, to celebrate this "joyous occasion" which makes up so much of my heritage. Unfortunately, looking back on all the Chinese New Years, I have largely unpleasant feelings about them.

Here's why.

New Year goodies always tasted either sickeningly sweet or plain sickening to me. The only thing I enjoy is bagua. However, bagua comes with a downside -- the need to repeatedly wash your hands because the grease is really difficult to get rid of.

As a child, most of my CNYs consisted of 6-hour-long car rides to Malaysia. The sun would usually come down pretty strong through the window and the air-conditioning would be turned on for so long that my nose feels dry and painful. My father usually rushed us through when we took breaks during the journey and I never liked making him unhappy, especially when you're stuck in a confined space like the car for so many hours. House visitation consisted of plenty of heat, humidity, noise and boredom. CNY usually causes a marked increase in my mother's neuroticism and my dad's irritability.

Visiting my parental relatives always involved some sort of imperative to impress. I can't really tell how and why but I'd always felt it. Addressing the relatives involved a lot of referencing from my parents. Most of them were probably 6-8 times older than me. Even my cousins were already adults. My brother probably had it easier than me when he had to converse with them because he's older than me anyway. Conversations were either superficial or contrived. Women discussed about children, beauty and health-supplements while the men exchanged stories and opinions on work, which was mainly on engineering. The adults who occasionally notice that you're around will put on a falsely benign smile (which creeps me out all the time) and make stupid comments about how much you've grown since the last time they'd seen you and pretend like they really care when they ask about how school or everything else (which in my case was piano and ballet) has been. Actually, they don't even ask questions like "how has it been". It was always more of a, "so, have you learnt anything new?" While the adults engage in their meaningless conversations, I struggled to keep myself entertained. I'd once attempted to clamber onto my grandfather's rocking chair and fell. Undoubtedly, I'd burst into tears, looking someone to stop the pain. All I got in return was a, "stop it, you're embarrassing me".

团员饭consisted of uncomfortable and contrived Chinese customs of addressing the relatives in order of superiority and age before digging into the food. It's not like we do it on a daily basis within the nuclear family to begin with. It didn't feel like a family dinner. These so-called family dinners always felt like a conference of fake smiles and mock concern. The visitations usually end because I would kick up a fuss when I've exhausted all possible forms of tolerating the boredom. It usually ends off with a lecture in the car about how rude I was for interrupting.

My maternal relatives seemed more interesting for the fact that they had things to keep the children occupied while the adults did the catching up. The conversations that my mother had with her side of the family usually involved a lot of gossiping about other relatives in the family. People I've heard my mum mention about before but I could never put an exact face to the name because I'd never seen them before. My mother always did seem a lot happier when she returned to her childhood home. My cousins got along better with my brother than with me because I was the youngest (excluding my sister, who came along later, obviously) and that I was a girl. While I was being expected to fawn over dolls and other pink, girlie stuff, they would go off trailing along the river, riding bikes, doing boyish things and leave me out of most activities. I did have my aunt to hang around with initially, but after my sister came along, the little girl seemed like more fun and I had nothing but my awkward adolescence to hold onto.

Hotel stays were usually made up of my dad cracking a huge packet of groundnuts while watching Stephen Chow's comedies (the shows seemed to always feature him!) on the round television sets which produced that high-frequency sound of static which caused my ears to ring. My mother would be asleep because she usually gets pretty bad headaches from the long car rides. I'd usually beg my parents to bring me for a swim in the hotel swimming pools. I don't even know why I was so fascinated by them.

I was the kind of kid who would collect my red packets, put them together and later pool everything together to count the money at the end of the day. The money never really meant much to me because it was in Ringgit, which required an approximated conversion with my father and was later deposited into the bank anyway. What irked me so much about the red packet money was how each and every single envelope was inferred to be an indication of how much the relative saw of you and your family. It's as though money becomes a unitary measure of kinship-worthiness or something.

Regardless, I don't have a lot of relatives to begin with, so it gets slightly depressing to hear about how much more your classmates had collected over CNY while they share about their holidays over CNY. I've always been quite envious of those who had cousins around their age because they had people to endure the absolute trashiness of this occasion with and probably in turn made it less trashy.

Oh need I make a special mention of CNY music? I guess not.

I hate CNY because it highlights how pretentious people are and can be. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

2012-01-21T01:50:00.001Z

Exams are overrrr and guess what came in the mail today! Well, the End of an Era DVD which I'd ordered off eBay finally got here. I'd had my eyes on this for years. It's basically half the price of what it would be at HMV and acclaimed music stores. This DVD was something that I'd really wanted to get, alongside with Once. Both of which were the final works of Nightwish while Tarja Turunen was still a part of it. The DVD was a recording of an extremely impressive concert (well no duh, it's Nightwish after all) and it had also contained a 55-minute documentary of the band on tour.

The entire time I'd spent on watching the DVD (including searching for English subtitles online..) was one of the most poignant three-hour block of my life. Watching this and knowing what's to come at the end of it all makes it really quite difficult to imagine how much stress the band was under throughout the tour. There were pretty hilarious moments in the documentary and I wouldn't have understood a thing had it not been for the English subtitles because everything was in Finnish. Without the subtitles, all I could pick out and understand were, "kittos", "kittoksia", "Suomi", "yksi", "Launtai" and "perkele".

While sitting in Costa with a gingerbread latte and writing in the diary by the window, one of the ladies from the table diagonally across me came over and asked if I were an Arts student. Here we go again. Many things came to mind while sipping the gingerbread latte and most of them were good things. No, I don't mean "good things" in the form of positive memories; it was more of experiencing some sort of enlightenment. I had one of the most enjoyable dinners in quite a while later in the evening. Being around with the right people makes a lot of difference.

Apart from the dance rehearsals leading up to the competition next weekend, I'm going to be quite free to do just about anything in the next week. Maybe I'll go back to experimenting with the TLR. Besides, there are still parts of Southampton which I've yet to visit. The cold wind is a deterrent but I'll find a way to work around it. Also, did I mention that working in a music store is my absolute dream part-time job? Just thought you should know.

2012-01-16T21:03:00.002Z

It's not as if I've been exceptionally busy the past few days but life seems to be just floating on by and the weekends are over before I know it. On the other hand, I've been surviving on inadequate heating systems while being thrown into sudden subzero temperatures.

One examination down, two more papers to go. Jia Ying came over for the weekend, kindly carrying over my extremely heavy barang all the way from home and subsequently from Brighton. I feel better with a renewed stock of 0.28 pens (lol) and my ballet attire. I need to find a way to get rid of the foolscap now though.

Bristol yesterday set me thinking. There was a fleeting moment of jealousy. No, it wasn't that fleeting, actually. I was practically engulfed in it. But you know what? After returning to Southampton later that evening, I am pretty glad about being here.

For those who haven't heard about it, my mother has whitewashed my red bedroom wall. That slice of me is gone. It feels terrible because I feel as though a part of me has been destroyed. It's as though they don't want me around at all. I was kept completely out of it and had only found out about it because Yi Ling was ranting to me over MSN. Not only do I feel disregarded as a member of this family, there doesn't seem to be any respect for me as an individual. Do I not have autonomy over my own bedroom? There hasn't been any respect shown to my sister either because she's still using the bedroom and if there were any major changes to be made, she should at least have been consulted but no, she wasn't told of the incoming bad paint job. What was the plan though? To go behind my back with this and expect me to accept it after I return because I no longer have a choice? Despicable.

Really, fuck that shit.

If you know how much individuality means to me, you can probably imagine how angry I feel right about now.

Somebody That I Used to Know by Walk Off the Earth & Sarah Blackwood

2012-01-11T09:40:00.004Z

Someone had posted this on Facebook. I do have a few Gotye tracks sitting in the music library and this was an extremely interesting cover of one of his singles. Five people to one guitar? Ingenious!

Seems like my blog's turning into a haphazard music blog now. Well, I need an avenue to unload all of my musical excitement when there's hardly anyone to turn to to share the music with. Besides, good things are meant to be shared.

Fk That St by Combichrist

2012-01-10T14:40:00.006Z

I YEARN to watch Combichrist live. This shit is fucking amazing. That's all.

2012-01-09T00:34:00.004Z

My favourite chapter in the PSYC1004 textbook as of now is on Memory and my least-favoured chapter is on Sensation. I'm having the weirdest bout of confidence for PSYC1010 as the Binomial formula seems to be making the remember-to-know shift in LTM. Anyhow, school starts again tomorrow although the timetable isn't that packed since finals for the modules in the first semester are about a week away.

I came here with the intention to pen down a fleeting thought but it seems to have disappeared the moment I was redirected to this vast space of blinding emptiness. Inspiration seems to be something that I've not been doing a very good job of holding onto today.

Hurray to catering services. I shall return to proper meals starting tomorrow. Or later today, seeing that it's a quarter to one now.

Päiväkoti by PMMP

2012-01-01T16:27:00.004Z

"Ilma on kauniimpi kuin aikoihin.

Miksi itkisin?"

Breathe for Me by Deadstar Assembly

2011-12-30T14:26:00.006Z

I can't explain what I feel, but I know it's for real.
Don't let me go back down.

Seems like all I've been doing the past few days is catching up on music. Actually, no, I had my fair share of scaring myself into thinking about where to go after graduating and evaluating how determined I am at the moment. I don't fancy the idea of hard work but it's what we've all got to do, right?

Anyhow, I'd decided to look up on the releases that I've missed over the years by The Birthday Massacre and Deadstar Assembly. Both bands have released rather impressive albums, in my opinion. They're nowhere near the declining curve of their band careers. Re-visiting their music brought back a lot of memories which I have easily let slip away. It probably shouldn't have taken me so long to realise this but I'd finally noticed the Alice in Wonderland references used by The Birthday Massacre. The unmistakeable sounds of their synthesisers and unpredictable synth loops was particularly definitive of their music and it has not quite changed. Pins and Needles sounded extremely polished as compared with their previous albums. Image-wise though, ageing is rather noticeable lol. Their latest release, an EP, Imaginary Monsters, included remixes of a track on Pins and Needles by Assemblage 23 and Combichrist, which by the way, are fanfuckingtastic. To put TBM's music into words, I'd say they sound like Alice who's fallen down the wrong rabbit hole and ended up in a dystopian wonderland coloured in purple accents. Actually, the first time that I'd listened to their music, my exact thoughts were, "industrial carnival-esque tunes".

In Psychology, we learn about how people can attempt to increase the capacity of their short-term memories by conducting this process called chunking. That's basically what I do with bands, although it isn't for the sake of expanding my STM capacity. It just happens. So when I think about TBM, DSA follows after too and vice versa. I just tend to group artistes together, especially if I learn about them at around the same time.

Deadstar Assembly's Coat of Arms included a revised edition of Breathe for Me which was first released under their debut self-titled album in 2003. The difference lies in the quality of recording, change in band line-up, better guitar riffs and inclusion of the instrument family which creates epic atmospheres -- strings. This song had the oddest capability to dredge up an insignificant memory of me on bus 48 with a black and white mp3 player in hand and returning home from school in my SC PE shirt (the ugly dry-fit one) and my sky-blue school skirt. I used to be quite a fan of The Dro but got over it as I progressively drifted out of the whole metal-music phase and delved into electronica/folk-pop. DSA's music could be described as an industrial-tainted metalcore with a huge propensity to illustrate dejection. Oh and being industrial, the band, without a doubt, portrays the image of classic industrial-goths with non-natural hair colours and funky contact lenses. It was honestly one of the things I liked the band for back in secondary school. I mean, it's still cool now but I've learnt to look beyond the image.

I like how blogging has distracted me from the feeling of hunger. Now that I'm ending the post, I have no choice but to return to my stash of flour-based edibles. Sigh.

2011-12-29T00:19:00.004Z

Backdated. That's how I feel about music now. I am so horribly behind, it's rather shameful. The thing about me and music is that when I start reading up on something, I unveil a whole lot of other things happening being curiosity kills the cat and those links are just dying to be clicked on.

It started off with hearing a track of blink-182's new album, Neighborhoods (it kills me on the inside to spell this without the letter "u"), on Kerrang! radio in Glasgow on this tiny square telly sitting in our room. After jogging a few nostalgic memories, I decided that it was quality enough to sample the rest of the album. Eventually, as the internet is known to take you places (virtually, of course), I'd somehow ended up on updates with regards to Marilyn Manson and Nightwish as well.

To spare my Twitter followers from unnecessary spam about the music I listen to, I shall try to place everything in one blog post rather than several tweets. After having taken a peek at MM's Born Villain video, one of the thoughts which pervaded throughout the viewing of the video was "What the fuck does Lady Gaga have on this?!" Of course they perform in very different genres but when it comes to MM's videos, you can't escape without being scarred. The music did sound rather promising, considering that his last two albums sounded like utter mopey trash. Get your shit together.

I'm actually taking the time to listen to Imaginaerum by Nightwish, right through midnight and no, I'm not impressed. I wouldn't say it's a terrible album but there were barely any "OMG, this is amazing!" moments. I'm trying as best as I can at being objective towards Anette Olzon's vocal contributions but there is just something that doesn't sound too right about her voice and the direction of Nightwish's music, bearing in mind that it has definitely changed since Tarja Turunen left. Admittedly, I do cling onto operatic ideals of epic musical landscapes as crafted by the band while Tarja was still part of it, but we've all got to accept that bands move on and band members change over circumstances. As expected, Tuomas Holopainen's orchestrations are brilliant although it feels as though there have been phrases that have been recycled. That can be excused, to some extent, I suppose, because if there's a certain style a composer writes in, there will be some inevitable sort of leitmotif created and present in the compositions. To what extent I can condone that, is arguable. This was kind of the same issue I had with blink-182's music as well.

The album opened with Taikatalvi, where Marco Hietala was singing in Finnish. That was a thrill for me, obviously, and the track that followed after, Storytime, was pretty good. Ghost River reminded me of their debut album with Anette. And then came the jazz-folk-metal number, Slow, Love, Slow, which I'd struggled to pay attention to. Jazz was never a genre that I could appreciate and this was seriously testing my patience. Pizzicato double bass, slow guitar solos and -gasp- saxophones! I Want My Tears Back honestly sounds like something I would love to bits but I can't get over the lyrics. The uilleann pipes had me sold though. Scaretale had parts where Anette sounded like she was channelling Bellatrix Lestrange's spirit and she sounded pretty convincing doing that. I have aired most of my grievances about the album. The rest of it ranged from bland to somewhat epic, depending on the track.

You know how sometimes when you listen to the same artist for a prolonged period of time and every track just starts sounding the same to you? That's my problem with pop-punk and for that reason, I'm going to stay away from blink-182's albums for a while, unless shuffled, very, very far apart.

God, I've spent so much time getting this out of the system, I'm compromising with sleep. I still have the PSYC1015 poster to start working on and semester examinations to revise for. Desperately need to shake myself out of the holiday mood. Doesn't help that I've been living off dry cereal, biscuits and bread for meals the past few days because catering doesn't go on during the holidays. I NEED MY FULL MEALS. Damn you and your inept domestic skills, Yi Ting.

2011-12-25T21:48:00.002Z

It's Christmas, again. I'm not in the mood to do anything and can't really get anything done because the buses are not running today and tomorrow. No complaints though, this will give me enough time to get back some sleep and spend some time alone.

Being away from the halls for slightly over a week strangely made me miss it. For whatever it means or is worth to you, the halls have definitely been home enough for me. Beyond that, I really needed to be left alone again for a bit. Being on the move with the same people for such a long period of time really stretched my patience. When we'd finally got to London, I did go off on my own.

Travelling as a group really sucks when everyone's got different expectations. What was liberating for me was knowing that the other two didn't have to suffer the consequences of shitty decisions made by me -- directions and destination choices, for example. Also, it meant that I could put on my iPod as and when I liked it and not have to deal with awkward glances, making some attempt at conversations, and walking as quickly as I liked.

God, that just made me sound highly unsociable, didn't it?

Anyhow, the trip was pretty good, honestly. The greatest disappointment in accommodation came from London. We were rooming with the shittiest bunch of people, had gigantic luggage cases and were assigned to the top floor. Edinburgh has totally stolen my heart with its quaint buildings, warm people and the amazing balance of nature, civilisation and urbanisation. Scotland, in general, was a wonderful place to be. It's a pity though, that we didn't have more time with the city itself. We'd spent our days outside of Edinburgh rather than within it, apart from the first day. Clambering forth onto a highland tour on the second day took us even further up north and had it not been for the tour, we might not have seen snow on this trip at all. The weather had been much warmer than it had been the past few weeks. While tracking ourselves on the move with a GPS installed on the phone, we'd spent most of the tour on the bus rather than anywhere else outside of it, peering through lochs, munros and glens. The uniqueness of Scottish terminology had been highly intriguing. The adaptation of Gaelic into English is still so evident, it made it easy to forget that I was still in the United Kingdom. We'd also ventured into St. Andrews, which I've always joked about visiting. Visiting the town for real was filled with an odd sense of surrealism and subsequently disappointment because it was such a dead place to be in. The explanation for its utter lack of life could possibly the exact same reason as to why nothing seems to be happening in Southampton right now -- the students have all gone home for the holidays.

Most of the pictures from the trip consisted of interiors of cathedrals and tree silhouettes. Or at least that's what I recall of them. After making it to London via an 8-hour bus ride, the very first day was spent heavily partaking in consumerism. That being the fourth time in London this year, London didn't have that much of an appeal to me. In actuality, it never did. All the hype about London comes from friends and the media but it'd never hit me like they promised as it would. We'd spent the last night getting into a club in Soho with a 75% discount as the gay bartender standing outside pulled some ropes. I'm starting to think that alcohol is never going to get me high. The whole clubbing experience started out pretty well with music that were of standard but it'd begun to slide down the commercial hill as the night grew older (literally with the crowd) and the people started drifting out of sobriety.

One of the most amazing things about this trip was actually meeting a friend whom I've actually kind of lost contact for over half a decade. We were reasonably close friends until shit happened with our ballet teacher and we subsequently quit the place. Despite staying rather close by, we never ever met up. I do recall rare and occasional MSN conversations which never did last happening but that obviously doesn't tantamount to much. Prior to meeting up, I was pretty afraid of how it might turn out. Knowing myself, the potential for awkwardness seemed really great. However, it didn't seem to be the case at all. We were good friends and we still talked like good friends. For having been in UK for the past three months and feeling like nobody knows much about me, having met Yan Siang whom I've pretty much grown up with until adolescence kicked in was an extremely heartening experience. As usual, the sharing of gossip brings people together. The idea of re-connecting was daunting but when we actually met up, a barrage of topics opened up and it felt like there simply wasn't enough time to catch up on everything. We'd fit all we could that we've missed out over the five years in five hours, talking into the wee hours of the morning while completely oblivious to the pub quiz going on.

Seeing Yan Siang reminded me of the person I used to be, the person she used to know. It was easy talking to her because she knew me and still does know me. She was someone that knew the exact person I am on the inside sans the awkward years of adolescence and all the acquired baggage and for the first time in an extremely long while, I felt at ease talking to someone. I'm not sure how exactly to put it into words.

Anyhow, since it's holidays now, the halls aren't providing meals anymore so I've been living off biscuits, cereal and cup noodles today. I actually feel like preparing pasta but buses aren't running and I'm too lazy to walk to Tesco's to grab ingredients. I am aching for another gig but there doesn't seem to be anything appealing at the moment. Oh well.

2011-12-20T02:15:00.003Z

Blogging from Nina's computer in the lobby of Art Roch, Edinburgh. The past few days have been mightily interesting and I have to say that I'm absolutely in love with Scotland, especially Edinburgh. No city sends chills down my spines better than this. Well, you could argue that it's because of the cold and I wouldn't deny that but the mere beauty of this city enthralls and captivates all who come to visit. Little boutique shops squeezed in between gothic architecture, jostling for attention by passers-by. I already know that I'm going to miss it once I leave for Glasgow tomorrow.

Yan Siang and I had dinner and spent hours in The Tron catching up since the last time we've seen each other, which has been a good half of a decade ago. We'd left Crestar on such a bitter note and never really got to say goodbye from there. We have made weak attempts to talk to each other over MSN but they never really last for long anyway. It's funny, as she puts it, how we've never met up back in Singapore but can sit and chat for hours in a pub and walk along the streets in subzero temperatures.

Today reminded me of the good things of the past. Although I am once again sick, I shall fall asleep feeling a good measure of warmth within me tonight.

2011-12-13T22:48:00.005Z

Finally finished watching the first four seasons of Chuck and I pretty much love all the song choices on the show. Although I'm not too big on the raw vocals employed on the track, I love everything else used in the song, especially the synthesisers. The Bravery reminds me of The Killers to quite an extent and I'm sure a lot of people feel the same about them too. While listening to their other tracks, I started thinking about White Lies as well.

Essentially, I've been spending way too much space on the blog with ambiguous one-liners which express nothing but angst and remind me of nothing but misery. Maybe at this point in time where I feel more on the neutral side rather than the turbulent vortex of negative energy I usually am, I need to put up something that reminds me that life is okay at times.

Being away usually comes with a fear of being forgotten. I've always felt that I don't mean much to anyone, and there for surmount to nothing much in anyone's lives. It's not a difficult thing to learn considering the kind of attention I get from my parents and certain friends. I hold deep skepticsm of what people say, leaving phrases like "I miss you" and "I wish you were here" hanging by the corners of their mouths. But of course, there are times where you can tell that they mean it too and you feel some sort of reciprocation because they have also become such an integral part of your life. I suppose, I get so caught up with wanting to be a meaningful part of someone else's life and that I idealise how things should be, that when things deviate from expectations, all the flustering begins and I become blind with disappointment and trying to fix things. I forget that there are other people out there. People who acknowledge that I am of some worth.

Anyhow, recently, an ex-classmate added me into this Facebook group created by another ex-classmate, specially for my primary six class. It is pretty juvenile to bear grudges against people and things done so long ago and at such a young age, but trying to erase or simply trying to ignore the ugly memories of being bullied and made fun off isn't exactly the easiest thing to do. I run through the name-list of the group and hear the voice in my head screaming, "I hate each and every single fucking one of you". I turned out different from most of them anyway, what a surprise. Either my innate eccentricity shone through at an early age or that their collective immaturity that impaired my emotional growth contributed to this person that I am today. But hey, fuck you, I don't feel any obligation in making myself likeable to you because you are the exact kind of people I wouldn't need to keep as friends, without knowing you beforehand.

I'm doing it again, aren't I? Being angry?

Well, much and not exactly very much has happened over the past few days. The weekends involved tying together a presentation contributed by eleven other people, being down with a cold, drinking too much despite the cold, watching friends throw up, throwing up, watch a drunk friend pull down another drunk friend's pants, watching birthday girl completely obliterating memories of her eighteenth birthday because she was drunk and gone, walking back in the cold, be deprived of hot water when a hot shower was exactly what I needed, waking up next morning feeling pretty much normal, working on loose ends of the presentation, spamming people with e-mails regarding the presentation, getting impatient with a group-mate's lack of mail-checking skills, altered her slides on my own and contemplated submission, gave her extra time, never got her slides and sent in the presentation 90min before stated deadline. How interesting.

We had our presentation slot today. Prior to our turn, we had to sit through three other presentations and I am extremely glad to be in the group that I have been placed in. Despite being the only team among the four tutor groups having successfully mobilised every single member of the group, I think we did a pretty darn good job during the Q&A session as well. It's just my opinion but I think we had stronger rapport than the other groups and it showed through the presentation and the Q&A session. I'm not sure if it's a university thing, a British/European thing or simply a combination of both, but our tutor actually encouraged us to get a pint after the whole thing because she thought we did a good job. My group-mates are wonderful people because they don't waste time with unnecessary bullshit, get things done, have a sense of humour nevertheless and are mightily efficient and co-operative. It's really tough when you have 12 people in a group but I'm lucky enough to be in a group made up of people like them. I also feel extremely relieved, knowing that we have completed 100% of the module. There's some sense of accomplishment in completing my very first university module and it makes the whole idea of being in school more real than it has ever been in the past few months.

Despite being bogged down by mid-terms and assignments, I've also had time to deal with other things, such as experimenting with the TLR. Since I don't own a scanner here, this was the best I could do.

A problem occurred with the processing of the 120 film. I'm not sure if it's a fault of the winding mechanism in the camera or that the place where I'd sent the spool of film in for processing screwed up, but most of my frames show overlapping, and I don't mean it in a multi-exposure sort of way. Basically, some of my frames have been dissected and attached to another segment of a completely different frame. Regardless of the problem, I thought this photograph turned out really well. It makes me really happy, just looking at it. I like sharing good things, so I snapped a picture and sent it out to a few friends. Things were pretty good at first, until a friend showed complete apathy and it made me feel stupid. Happens all the time. Thanks for the support.

Gonna have tea with Sarah Cheong tomorrow, squeeze in a little shopping for warm clothing for the worst of winter and then meet my hallmates for Japanese food. We're so Asian, we're having sushi buffet for our Christmas Dinner. Lol. Scotland in three days. I really do need a break.

2011-12-03T16:38:00.002Z

Looking through old photographs and being unable to ascertain if it feels like it's been that long/so short. The photographs aren't that old, to be honest. The odd thing is knowing that the photographs, when juxtaposed next to the very moment in reality, does not show much of a difference. We are still the same physical beings in and out of the photograph, but photographs don't give the indication of time. The contrast does. Nor are photographs capable of showing the myriad of things that may have happened in between. We look at pictures from the past and think of things that have been, could have been, and even those that we had never thought to ever be. I don't know what I'm saying. It just feels like it hasn't been that long but there has just been so much going on in between and it seems like I haven't been living it consciously at all.

2011-12-02T15:31:00.003Z

Imogen Heap's music makes a certain ache in the heart feel somewhat physical. I hate the feeling but I love her music. I don't even know what I'm saying. It makes me feel like wrenching out my guts and mutilating them into mush.

It's December already and I just can't seem to acknowledge the fact that 2011 is ending in less than 30 days. Life is just pushing me along and I have no resistance, no strength to fight, no willpower whatsoever.

2011-11-30T21:41:00.002Z

"You make this all go away

You make this all go away

I'm down to just one thing

And I'm starting to scare myself

You make this all go away

I just want something

I just want something I can never have"

- Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails

2011-11-28T21:54:00.003Z

It's been a long, long week and it's Monday again. From the previous Sunday to yesterday was one week I would not label as mediocre.

Last Sunday was spent at Beth's place with the rest of the competitive dance squad looking through a number of videos to pick up some stuff from. We had a rather fruitful rehearsal prior to the gathering and it's good to know that we've covered half the choreography for the piece already. Being in the squad feels really new to me, this being contemporary dance and not the usual ballet and stuff that I've grown up with. Moreover, although this is not as strict as SCDance, I feel some sort of obligation to treat it even more seriously than I had with SCDance.

When they say that things in university are more student-initiated, they weren't kidding. Even though I'm easily the most flexible in the squad, it's only because of the rigorous training I had undergone and being with Cheng Ballet Academy obviously helped in recovery, I still pale in comparison in terms of experience and exposure with the rest. Listening to them sharing about their experiences in competitions that they've been in, watching them give suggestions in altering choreography because Beth is our main choreographer for the routine and being completely unable to give any sort of input makes me feel really awkward. I'm nothing, really, but I do hope to not screw things up.

I feel utterly small. Even in the group work for one of our modules. That e-mail which I'd received from my personal tutor didn't help either. I just feel so small, insignificant and quite useless. There's an obligation to help and contribute but I simply can't come up with anything and I hate to be seen as a free-loader. I can't seem to find much to talk about either. Conversations topics escape me because I really can't find a thing to talk about.

It's not really self-pity here. I am glad that I'm included, but I feel guilty for not being able to do more. Maybe it's just my idea of social imperatives for extroversion.

Moving on..

I had my first examination paper on Tuesday and I think it had gone pretty well, to be honest. Then again, results may reflect a totally different story but I won't know until next week, possibly. After all, the essay didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped for it to. There's another mid-term this Friday and I find it so difficult to get to it because I've been so distracted by Chuck.

Anyhow, the day after the paper was spent in London, mainly for The Playboy of the Western World and The Old Vic Theatre. My bag had weighed a tonne because I'd brought the Ricohflex along, in hope of spotting things to take pictures of. It was disappointing because the only time I'd taken it out was outside this shop at the Camden Lock Market which sold lights. The play itself was quite funny though it took quite a while to warm up to the language because it had incorporated so much old Irish slang. Regardless, watching Robert Sheehan on stage was exhilarating. His roles don't seem to deviate much from the usual curly-haired narcissist who has a slight problem with Irish priests and likes telling incredible tales. I'm glad I'd caught it because it was the final week that the play was showing, although I wish Jia Ying had been there too.

After a long week of academic ups and downs, I'd gone out with my hall mates on Friday night which unveiled a night of odd events that included drinking more units of alcohol than I've ever had in one night (or possibly all these weeks added together), having first-hand experiences with intoxicated friends overtly expressing their love for everyone and a moving bus, having an ID confiscated, attempting to rationally negotiate with a bouncer, talking to a police officer, conflicts and tears, resolution and recovery, hanging in a club which was playing lacklustre music, ending the night abruptly with hardly any warning, walking back in the cold from London Road, desperately looking for toilets and it ended with angry neighbours hitting the walls of the room which we ended up hanging out at till 5AM. I'd gone to sleep at 6AM and woke up four hours later to attempt to get some revision done. Honestly, it didn't go that badly.

Saturday night and Sunday morning was spent attempting to repay the sleep debt but that didn't go too well because somehow, my biological clock seems to have put a cap at 10AM where I will automatically awake, regardless of the degree of exhaustion that I feel. More Chuck, a bit more revision and got ready for Aesthetic Perfection at The Talking Heads. Guy who was checking tickets didn't even bother checking my ticket reference because I was the only person with a Chinese name on the list anyway. Funny.

VNV Nation's Automatic album was played as waiting music and it caused a lot of goosebumps on my skin because it was the exact venue where I'd watched them last month. There were three opening bands before Daniel Graves and his band members came on stage. I honestly thought the first band was quite shit, except that the duo looked really good.. Especially Ollie (Sov). Ross (Veil) had a pair of 4-inch heeled boots and he absolutely deserve props for that because there's no way I would survive a gig in 4-inch heels, let alone performing electronic music on stage with them. He had quite a costume there. Besides the killer boots, he had a pair of falsies which looked a little too heavy for the eyelids and a mesh headpiece which was rather haute couture-esque. Synthesisers and programming for the duo were rather good but the singing... No comments. I did check out their recorded audio tracks over the internet after I got back to the halls yesterday and it actually sounds really good. Well, things will improve over time. I hope, at least.

The following supporting act didn't quite appeal to me although they were quite neat with their performance. While they were setting up, I'd spotted this guy in an AFI shirt who was at the other end of the venue standing with the covers of the band equipment. I'd literally leapt off my chair to talk to him because it was honestly the first time I'd seen someone wearing an AFI shirt out beyond Skylar, Hazel and Huda. He did fish out his DF card and we had a short exchange about our favourite AFI tracks. I'd unabashedly asked for a hug because, aw come on, fellow DF-er! Hybrid 6.0 started playing after we took a couple of photos (while I tried my best to include his shirt in the photo), I'd started zoning out somewhere in the second song of the set although I was somewhat aware that Sov was standing right next to me, along with the bunch of enthusiastic guys dancing away. Seriously. I thought he was hot. HAHA. Okay friends, I know you are totally judging me.

Uberbyte was the final supporting act and it was kind of sad that their set had been so short. Their performance packed a punch and it was really amusing watching them performing Money Shot with Sov invited up onto the stage because they all looked raving mad. Still hot. But mad. HAHA. Their performance was quite impressive for this tiny crowd and I believe any band that is good live definitely has music worth listening to.

The microphone didn't seem to co-operate very well when Daniel Graves finally came on with Aesthetic Perfection. He looked slightly overdressed with the white blazer in the beginning but after working out some body heat in the indecisive English autumn weather (outdoor temperature was 0°C last night, just so you know), he stripped off the blazer. I thought he looked like a better-looking Chester Bennington lol. Somehow, I'd eventually made it to the front from all the pushing the industrial-dancing and headbanging chaos. Technically, it wasn't really "pushing", it was more of getting out of the way of swinging fists and whiplashing hair. You know how some singers like crouching over while they sing/scream? It was an odd sensation knowing that the guy who is performing his hearts out for the people who support his music is standing right in front of you and that the head which housed the brain that came up with all these musical ideas and made them audible for people was barely 20cm away from your numbskull. It was cool.

No gig that intimate ever ends without a rightful handshake, especially when you're up at the front. Gigs like these made me realise that I'd never learn to like clubbing because why would I want to put up with the bullshit they play in clubs when I can enjoy this? Well, not everyone would comprehend and feel the same but yeah. I kind of hope to watch Combichrist here although I must say that The Talking Heads is a little too small for a big band like them.

I have been rambling. As usual.

2011-11-27T01:13:00.002Z

At the middle joint of the fingers on my right hands, there are bruises and small cuts. Although there isn't blood, I am kind of puzzled why they are there. I kind of have an inkling as to how they got there but really, it's not even important.

2011-11-24T02:18:00.002Z

When it gets late, the ability to hold everything up and in starts to falter. Then, I wish so hard that I could just rip it all out and set fire to the pain and all the ridiculous things I feel.

But that's physically impossible. So I try and go to sleep.

2011-11-20T01:46:00.006Z

I feel so ugly, disgusted and ashamed at how I am not as clever, as worldly, as sophisticated, as articulate, as athletic, as talented, as creative, as interesting, as compassionate, as concerned, as generous, as level-headed or just as good as anyone else. It'd difficult to convince myself that it's okay because really, it's not and it bugs me every single day.

People say what's on the inside matters the most. I have nothing on the inside to offer because all I have is internal decay and there's nothing redeeming on the outside either. Whatever that's on the outside is just a fragile barrier between the pressure of the flood of insecurities within against the immense external social pressure to be someone worth looking up to. I look at you and your work and think of all the great things I can never measure up to.

And with that, I distract myself with all other things that cannot be compared with you. The entire construct of myself as a person is basically a negative reaction to everything I cannot be and cannot cope with. I hate myself and I hate you too.

2011-11-16T20:42:00.001Z

And I'm back at this stage, angrily wondering why you should have any right to say things like these when you know nothing about me. Your assumptions are awry and I'm sick of your idea of normalcy. Stop expecting me to conform to stereotypes just because I'm Asian and just because I'm female.

Anyhow, I'm in no mood to continue with my revision for PSYC1010. I'll make an effort in meticulously comparing prices offered by different transport companies to get around in the upcoming Christmas break. Exactly one month to go!

Also, I'm going to leave my computer on tonight because I'm having a headache and I need the music desperately. Florence + the Machine's new album Ceremonials sounds really good. Lungs didn't have much of an impression on me but this definitely does. Goodnight.

2011-11-12T21:57:00.005Z

"完美?! 你这个样子叫完美? 我讨厌你! 我讨厌你的愚蠢、讨厌你的死人眼、讨厌你这副自以为了不起的样子; 你从里到外从上到下我全部都讨厌!"

And then the look on Jerry Yan's face after that...

/heartbreak

Lullaby

2011-11-10T23:59:00.003Z

Here's my current list of calming music:

Nova (Shine a Light on Me) by VNV Nation
Illusion by VNV Nation
Lullaby by Assemblage 23
Swimming Home by Evanescence

In that order. Youtube links are attached to the titles if you're interested. To whoever's reading this anyway. I feel like crying right now because everything sounds so beautiful.

2011-11-06T23:41:00.007Z

Despite the chilly weather, the weekends have been extremely kind. Six weeks into school, we have all experienced a range of freak-weathers ranging from Indian Summer heat-waves to icy winter-winds. Autumn doesn't feel like autumn without the golden-orange sunshine peeping through the leaves. I do love the season nonetheless as it streaks the thinning foliage with splashes of yellow and tinges of wine-red.

There have been bouts of melancholy and they have been aggravated by the increased time difference between friends at home and me. Thankfully for technology, they are pretty much accessible as and when I need to talk to them.. Except when the phone company fails.

I'd spent most of Friday feeling extremely demoralised from the SUCDS auditions, severely repenting on my lack of control over anxiety. The apex of the emotional maelstrom blew over while bumping into a girl at the bus-stop while waiting for the bus that would take me to the campus. She made me feel a little silly at first but soon after, I literally walked around with a lilt. The adrenaline from knowing that I hadn't failed at something kept me in a frenzy of joy.

Saturday was spent in decadence. Ballet at the Royal Opera House and macarons from Ladurée were the highlights of the day. Re-visiting London four months after the vacation had various impacts on me. It was somewhat odd to think that the trip to London back in June was one that aided in my decision to be here. Traipsing through the familiar lanes in a different crowd felt oddly comforting. Jia Ying and I had ended our little London visit with a long chat at Starbucks before I'd headed back to the halls with my newly-purchased colour-illustrated version of Alice in Wonderland.

After washing up and packing my bag all over again, I'd finally gone to sleep at two in the morning after getting back from London. I had 4.5 hours of truncated slumber before waking up for Winchester. I'm really glad we'd decided to do the trip today because our explorations in Winchester allowed me to uncover two different gems. The trip coincided with an Antiques Market and it proved to be extremely pleasant for the eyes. There was this necklace which reminded me of Davey's tattoos because the pendant was basically a hybrid of his chest-piece and his back-piece. Without much consideration, I bought the necklace with the repaid ticket debt from hall-mates.

Winchester was another re-visitation of Life choices made. Not many know about it but the day-trip to Winchester back in June was what gave me the answers to deciding between Australia and England. It is really strange to look back and see how things just somehow mould and blend in nicely with each other. Anyhow, after long walks in gardens and along streams, we had lunch at Subway before heading to the Winchester Cathedral. After 6 weeks, this was actually the first cathedral I'd set foot in. There was really quite a lot to take in. The awe-inspiring gothic revival cathedral had more to offer than a grand facade. Besides the rudimentary net-patterned high ceilings and panels of stained-glass artwork, there were actually secret chambers and crypts lying about. I'd stolen off in the midst of the visit to return to the vintage camera booth where the man sold a 1956 Ricohflex New Dia. I'd coveted it right from the moment I'd laid eyes on it.

The camera was sold slightly cheaper than I'd expected for it to cost because the brand tag had broken off. In all honesty, I had no idea what model the camera was. After engaging in a heated discussion of Do or Don't with Li Zhi over BBM, I was convinced and determined to purchase it because I couldn't bear the regret of having had the chance and not seizing it. Regardless, the camera is not of any use at the moment because I need to find a way to get hold of 120mm films.

After the speedy purchase, I'd returned to the cathedral and lost myself in the grandeur of the architecture and in the rich, tremulous sounds of the pipe organ. Our search for Jane Austen's final place of residence took us through the very same alleys which Deborah's mum had got lost in in June. The uncanny coincidence in the confusion amused me thoroughly.

Our train back to Southampton had been delayed by half an hour and we ended up dashing a hundred metres up to the front compartments as it turned out that they were going to split the train at Eastleigh. Recalling our mad sprint actually makes me smile because it's things like these which make memories so worth remembering. Silly kids running for the train. I won't ever forget this.

2011-11-03T23:00:00.006Z

Always turning to Li Zhi whenever I start feeling like shit. Even when I'm ten thousand kilometres away. One day, he'll be so sick of me.

Dance auditions was shit. I have a new psychological way of reacting to nerves: blanking out. I thought it was just at Hsienfa's, but it seems to be pervasive in all other aspects of my life now. Why why why is this happening??? And you know what? I have also begun to stutter while speaking.

My self-esteem is in the negatives now. I want the weekends to be here. Of the 48 hours over the weekends, I'm going to spend less than 20 hours in Southampton and probably most of it packing and sleeping. WEEKENDS!

☹

[edit] It's 1:20AM right now. I wanted to go to sleep like, an hour ago, but I was sidetracked by Combichrist. They make really good music but this particular one is hitting the right spot. I love putting my music on shuffle. Maybe I should go back to digging for industrial metal music. [/edit]

2011-10-31T19:03:00.004Z

Refused to take up the empty seat in the long table after people started clearing out because it housed unfamiliar people and I wasn't in the mood to make a social effort. After everyone left the table, our token white boy came over.

R: I thought we were best friends but you don't want to sit with me. What happened to our friendship?

HAHA AW. Excuse me while I slowly etch this in my long-term memory.

2011-10-29T04:50:00.003+01:00

10 minutes to 0500.

It's been a long night with the dance social starting at 1900. It had basically been a pub crawl starting at The Stags and ending at Sobar. It was possibly one of the weirdest nights I'd ever had and I was really glad to have found my hall-mates while walking back after Sobar closed. My hall-mates attended a separate Halloween event which was at the campus. I'm so glad that I'd decided to take the detour because I was feeling so horrible.

Midway through the dance social, after 2 Malibu lemonades, a tequila shot, dancing with different groups of people and other odd stuff tucked in between, I felt the need to talk to someone but everyone was sleeping. People I wanted to talk to weren't there with me. The closest people I have here, which are essentially my hall-mates, were at a completely different event and I didn't wish to be a killjoy for them. Besides, we haven't reached that point where they start to realise how.. Depressing a person I am. It's not difficult to tell, but they don't know why and to what extent it goes. I basically retreated to a corner outdoors, sat on the steps and actually made a blog post but I can't stand how the punctuation was screwed up because my shift button didn't happen to work in mobile Blogger.

While discussing a whole bunch of too-intimate-for-comfort things in Thanh's room after getting back to the halls, Li Zhi and Jia Ying started replying my texts. The entire combination made me feel a lot better. I partly think it's because I'm rather hormonal today. It came to mind at some random point of the day that maybe my aversion towards stereotypical "normalcy" and penchant for unconventional ways could be due to underlying motivations that my not even be conscious to myself. What I mean is that, maybe I turn to this difficult way of living my life because it gives me an excuse not try and be a "normal" everyone else. Do you see me as that? Am I not making an effort or is it just really not in me? Well actually, keep your opinions to yourself. I don't think I'm ready to see it from your points of view.

2011-10-24T10:00:00.002+01:00

Been down with a cold the past few days and it's finally starting to clear up. The streak of cold weather is also gone. No more waking up to mornings of 2 degrees Celsius (until winter, that is). Autumn is finally here and leaf litters trail along footpaths everywhere.

It's difficult to acknowledge that today marks the end of the first month here because it doesn't feel like it's been a month already. The next eight months are going to go by really quickly and before you know it, I'll be a sophomore (American slang, English context).

Beyond some race and ethnicity-related frustrations, everything's been quite good. Finally caught Strictly Gershwin after... Four months. I remember how Deborah's parents tried buying tickets for the one in London but we were too late. All the tickets had been wiped out. I've been lucky enough to purchase the final pair up in the front for the Saturday matinee. Despite my relentless clumsiness, I've been fortunate enough to be granted a duplicate pair. However, they didn't exactly stop to check for tickets. Anyhow, the ballet was pretty good. The singers and the orchestra were pretty brilliant too and the conductor was really quite funny. Sitting through 2.5h of the show made me realise that I've underestimated the number of Gershwin tunes that I've heard before.

Went for a walk in the park down the turn of the road from Wessex Lane after yesterday's lunch. It was really refreshing although the wind got a little too strong for comfort while we hung around swans, ducks and a flock of seagulls.

Last night was spent on a long BBM conversation with Li Zhi. It got to the point where my phone was just drained of its energy and shut itself down on me. The oddest thing was that it actually rebooted itself after that and I was pretty stunned because I didn't know why it was acting like that. Talking to Li Zhi about stuff just made me realise that I take quite a few things for granted. It makes me sad to think about having to re-establish myself, against certain odds, but that's what I asked for, wasn't it?

Futher by VNV Nation

2011-10-16T11:51:00.004+01:00

At the end of days, at the end of time

When the sun burns out will any of this matter?

Who will be there to remember who we were?

Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong

Who are we to judge what's right and what has purpose for us?

With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong,

Running wild unaware of what might come of us

The sun was born and so it shall die

So only shadows comfort me

I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Each day shall end as it begins

And though you're far away from me

I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal

Forget that once we were just dust from heavens far

As we were forged, we shall return perhaps someday

I will remember us and wonder who we were

I'm still not over it, and this applies to so many other things beyond the gig. Why do you keep doing this? Getting people's hopes up and leaving them with a cliffhanger? I want closure.

Nemesis by VNV Nation

2011-10-13T16:42:00.002+01:00

I want justice for the voice that can't be heard
Vindication for every suffering and hurt
Let retribution hold dominion over earth

No moment was made to last, so light the fire in me.

2011-10-12T23:21:00.011+01:00

So, I have tonnes of pet peeves. I'm somewhat socially awkward. I don't see eye-to-eye with the common person on a lot of things. I am extremely impatient with quite a number of things but also have immense tolerance for some of the most unpredictable things. I do what I need to get by and that does not include having a fancy and impressive social circle. My friends are real and they are good enough to keep me sane. I had no motives when starting conversations with you but I now have intentions of avoiding you.

Disregarding my inane rant of people who see themselves to be more important than they really are, I am still revelling in this post-VNV Nation-gig spirit. Having been in such an intimate space for a gig which I've longed to go for for years makes me extremely emotional. Knowing that these are people who have made an impact on AFI and have worked with them makes me feel even more glad to have watched them live. Beyond that, it was also my first gig here. I see hope in my pursuit of the music I believe in.

It's surreal knowing that VNV Nation's music has got me through Os and As and I'd finally watched them live. Listening to some of their songs make me recall of those tiring times as I walked towards SA from the bus-stop across the highway. They made me recall of the things I used to think about, feelings I used to have and the implications they'd always caused. They made me recall of what used to follow up after that.

Getting to know about the gig was purely coincidental though, but I like how so many factors amassed to my enthusiastically spasming self. I literally learnt about the gig in less than six hours to the door-opening time. The day before, I had a dream about AFI and I think it's because I'd seen pictures of this guy who stays in the hall that I'm in and he reminded me of Adam Carson. It made me so happy because I haven't had much of AFI-related news lately. Thinking about the dream made me unhappy about not having gone for any music concerts, so I'd decided to look through last.fm for event recommendations. BAM. VNV NATION! I'd scrambled for my half-assed debit card and purchased a ticket online because I had a feeling no one I hang with would be interested. My apparent love for music obviously outweighs my fear for my personal safety :/

What had been so heartening about the gig was the fact that some people there were full-fledged parents with schooling kids and they were into good music. No doubt, there were the usual cybergoths (as expected) and other related gothlings but these parents made me feel so hopeful. I'd met this couple who had three children and the dad says that his four-year-old daughter sings the words to every VNV Nation song he plays in the car. Also, he is a fan of synthesisers and owns a mini Korg. His wife was a wonderful lady who although wasn't a great fan of the music, but was nice enough to have come with him. I'd met this girl whose mother had accompanied her and her mother danced, uninhibited, to the music played last night. It made me think about my own parents and I could already sense their strong disdain towards my music taste, the fact that I was at the gig alone and not to mention, the composition of the crowd which I was submerged in. I have underestimated the number people who choose to live their lives with closed hearts and closed minds. I don't know, but I felt like I'd belonged. I felt comfortable.

The music was brilliant last night. If I could put the universe into music; if I could fit all the constellations, comets and planets into beats, rhythm and musical poetry, this would be it. It had been a far greater experience than Crystal Castles because for one, Ronan Harris and Mark Jackson were definitely sober. The audience wasn't violent. People weren't trying to get a feel of people but they were really there for the music (it's such a beautiful unifying cause to witness). There were no barricades between the audience and the performers (I could easily stick out my hand horizontally and cause a potentially serious fall for the singer). There were no unnecessary bouncers. Despite the sudden power outage in the midst of a song, Ronan Harris had his moment to prove himself to be one of the most hilarious musicians I've ever seen in my life. With a maximum capacity of 260, there was actually enough space in the crowd to dance. People weren't shoving their way to the front. The acoustics weren't too bad but I can't really tell because I was right up at the front anyway. Lights were intriguing, music was nothing short of awesome and expectations were definitely exceeded. Age isn't a problem at all. Good music transcends all unnecessary standards placed on age, gender, race, genre and other petty expectations. It is truly universal.

I have been playing their music on the computer the entire day. I did try to change artistes but nothing fills the black hole. I WISH I HAD THE GUTS TO ASK FOR A PICTURE YESTERDAY LOL BUT NO I'M TOO MUCH OF A WUSS. But it's okay. I had three handshakes even though there are only two members. Go figure.

They didn't play this last night and prior to yesterday, I was never acquainted with their latest album, to be honest. Here's a gem from the new album, Automatic. This is Photon.

2011-10-04T21:23:00.005+01:00

When you feel like you're all alone
Don't go too far away
Wait, the evening sun will come
'cause they will beat your heartbeat

The weather's changing. Lessons are pretty interesting. I feel pretty content. I'm not homesick at all, though it's still early to say. I wish that I could have my student ID card already so that I can make use of all of its benefits and it'd make me feel more official as a student here hahahaha. Don't worry about me, I am fine, and will be fine.

2011-10-02T20:56:00.006+01:00

Lessons start tomorrow and I feel really weird. Not in the sense where I act out of sorts or anything, but that I feel very uneasy. It's been exactly a week since moving in and I have done every other ritual possible to emulate everyday life back at home.

The weather has been kind, in the sense that it hasn't been viciously cold. However, it has been sweltering. Scorching, in fact. The sun seems to hit here a lot more than back home for some weird reason. However, the nights have been pretty good as the weather has been bearable enough to even take long walks in just two thin layers of clothes. Weather forecasts may not always be dependable but it's expected to revert to typical English weather in the coming week.

I have a bunch of mixed feelings about the past week and about starting lessons tomorrow. Looking at how people behaved throughout Freshers Week makes me question about many things about culture, attitudes and perspectives. Countless times, I have been "complimented" for my standard of language but in actual fact, I feel pretty insulted. However, I can somewhat empathise with the fact that the people here aren't familiar with this puny island I come from because no matter how glorious Singapore portrays itself to be within the global platform to the locals, it is definitely not the same with countries out there.

But beyond being mistaken for having originated from some less economically developed country, I have also found it difficult to establish small talk which revolves around my name (which they either cut off the last word in my given name or they call me by the one that doesn't even show up on my identification documents), my block, my course and where I come from. It's not too bad starting it out, but the idea of attempting to carry on from there is daunting. So is the idea of having to repeat the process with many other ignorant people who obviously can't give a fuck about the things you tell them because they have become so intoxicated with alcohol that nothing really sticks in their memory. It's not "socialising" which scares me per se. It's the fact that people have to resort to the use of some organic chemical to "turn on" their socialising side. Upon sobriety, cafeterias are nothing but clusters of shy people feeling embarrassed about sitting alone and turn to the most familiar faces in their memory out of desperation.

I can't say that I haven't drunk at all this week. In fact, I do feel a little sorry for my liver. Though I have not reached the point of "chundering", the moment the physical body crosses from complete control to induced floatiness, I feel terrified. It's absolutely disorientating when the mind is clear as crystal but the body shows otherwise. At that stage, no matter what you say to people, they simply would not believe you. It's offensive to have someone to dictate the level of sobriety that you are in. Surely I haven't spilled anything that is in my mind, have I. You wouldn't like it.

What I'd found interesting was how evident it was that people's behaviours were so restricted by their dressing. The madness brought about by the pajama-themed party on Thursday was tamed by the smart-casual theme on the following day. It's sad that we have conditioned our minds to survey situations merely by superficial factors because we subconsciously pass certain judgements on situations from the things we observe through our eyes. Unfortunately, this seems like all there is to people. Observing without their brains. Or without sober, functioning ones, at least.

This post probably comes off sounding extremely arrogant and I probably won't be able to justify myself well but I thought that there was more hope in humanity. I'm not above it all but I sincerely hoped people at this level would have known better. Also, I have yet to find people with a similar ear for music. God, I'm in the United Kingdom and I can't find them.

Don't be mistaken. I am quite happy to be here, discounting all the other unpleasant stuff. I just can't quite ever find it in me to write happily without wanting to slowly skin myself alive.

2011-09-28T21:07:00.005+01:00

I have adopted an English name for convenience's sake and also for the sake of not being asked if I'm from China (God..). The literal version of this name is remotely related to the literal version of my phone brand, according to evolution and phylogeny studies.

It hasn't been as cold as I'd expected. In fact, it gets so warm in the day, my room actually feels warmer than the air-conditioned bedroom back at home. Everything with regards to the room is pretty okay apart from the fact that I have to do my own laundry. You must know that I'm quite spoilt in the aspect of doing chores.

The excess Sterling from the trip to London in June serve very well as pocket money at the moment. Unfortunately, I have easily spent nearly £200 on purchasing a bunch of things. However, in my defence, it wasn't a luxurious expenditure. The money was spent on things which I needed. Fine, the Union Jack cushion wasn't exactly a "need" but it wasn't very pricey..

Being back in the United Kingdom, it is important for me to search for Lime TicTacs because they don't have it in Singapore. To my surprise, they have Cherry and Passion TicTacs as well. Now you see, this is why I used to argue that Orange TicTacs were orange in colour.

Well, I've spoken to a lot of people and all but haven't exactly established "a friend". I'm in the search of a Socially Awkward Pal. Actually, not really. It's just that social circles are difficult to break into and the fact that Freshers Week is primarily (or essentially) involves alcohol and partying at all of its proposed events kind of terrifies me. That applies for the halls only though. Induction for Psychology started today and it wasn't exactly "awkward" but I wouldn't describe it as being awfully pleasant either.

I hardly have pictures of the school because I really don't wish to look like a tourist at school. I'm contemplating purchasing a school hoodie and stick out less appearance-wise because I'd really like to fade into the background a bit for a change and not be The Minority. Yes, I'm speaking of joining convention and being like one of them so that they won't notice me as much. Well, until I find a friend, maybe.

I derive so much amusement from listening to the different regional English accents, you have no idea. I haven't heard the Scottish accent though!

2011-09-24T11:51:00.002+01:00

Here's to a new beginning.

2011-09-23T15:47:00.002+01:00

And tomorrow, onto a whole new beginning.

2011-09-19T17:22:00.001+01:00

I'm next.

2011-09-18T02:45:00.003+01:00

What's been making me really unhappy the past few.. years (?) could possibly be from the fact that I feel lousy and that I can't measure up in any aspect to anyone. Everyone seems impossibly better at everything that I once took pride in. There is nothing I can say that I'm good at. This whole leadership thing was a fluke and a farce of which I could never live up to because my heart was never there.

It's like physically, intellectually and emotionally, I'm rock bottom. I don't even like to talk about it because I don't like to feel it. Besides, no one seems to take it seriously. In this world fuelled by insincere flattery and lip-service encouragements, who really thinks you can do it? Who really gives a shit anyway, people secretly hope you die in a ditch.

2011-09-17T05:45:00.004+01:00

One more week to go.

I have made a list of things to pack into the luggage but haven't started piling them in because I'm still using them. I hate messing up things that are packed nicely. It makes me sad. Anyway, my aunt called to say that she'd pick me up at the airport so that I can spend a few hours with her before heading off to school. Awww.

Was called back to TNS to stand in for a teacher who'd nearly registered his daughter at the ballet place where I was also working at. It was kind of funny walking across the school hall with the primary sixes pointing me out to each other in hushed voices because I had already mentioned that I wasn't going to come back.. Yet I was there. Whoops.

I couldn't attend ballet on Thursday night because the pain in my left hip worsened. It got to the point where I couldn't sit on the floor cross-legged because I simply couldn't turn out my leg. Demi-pliés couldn't even be done properly. I was quite sad about it because I had the intention of doing pointe and it was probably the last class ever that I could attend for pointe. Ugh. Now, it's never going to happen.

XL had a performance so she entrusted her Baby Ballet and Pre-Ballet classes in my hand yesterday afternoon. I had to manhandle kids to demonstrate things for the rest of the class because I couldn't do a lot of things with the hurting hip. Sigh. It was difficult yesterday with two fresh new jab wounds, one on either side of my arms. Holding my arms in fifth required more effort than usual. LOL. Come to think of it, in spite of it all, I like teaching ballet more than music, English and Science. At least that's what experience says.

After the lessons, I'd headed off to Esplanade to get some quiet time before watching Don Quixote by the Mariinsky Ballet & Orchestra of St. Petersburg. On the way out of the Esplanade station, I had the greatest (mis)fortune of bumping into my JC civics tutors. Okay I'm just kidding about the "misfortune" bit. I did have half a mind of crashing their date since I was watching the ballet on my own and had about one-and-a-half hours to go, but the thought of sitting at the same table with an immense lack of things to talk to them about, them possibly asking about the most mundane of questions and sharing the awkward silence from the most incompatible forms of humour... God, no. I'm incapable of making and enduring small talk. I'm never close enough to teachers to talk about anything. Eventually, I'd ended up sitting in the library with a hot cup of honey milk tea with a book in my hand.

Act I into the ballet and I was already clawing at my face. Alina Somova's every extension was an OhMyGod moment. It was so, so, so, sickly beautiful. Despite the fact that I was up at Circle 2, it can be seen that all the dancers have immaculate technique and their costumes & backdrops were so well done!

The story of Don Quixote though, was nothing I shared similar sentiments with as compared to the performance of the dancers. I just didn't get it. This foolish character who hardly had much of a role to play in the entire ballet. Act II of the performance was kind of boring and Act III had this spam of solos, duets and trios right at the end of the whole performance. Suddenly, it just looked like a showcase of talents rather than acting out a story already.

Uhm... Anyway, apart from the few cheeky moments in Kitri's role, one of the funniest parts of the ballet was when they actually pulled out two real horses on stage. REAL HORSES. They'd sent the audience into awe and bewilderment. The orchestra was.. So-so. What leaves me perturbed is that while being absorbed in all the visually-enticing things going on on stage, I could pick out mistakes in the music (off-tempo, instruments coming in late) and not to mention, this exceptionally off-pitch note which the horn had to blow at the end of one of the scenes. I couldn't decide if it was intentional or if the note was just not played right.

When I finally went to bed yesterday, I suddenly realised how tired I had been the entire day. The feeling of having every part of your body sinking into the bed of cotton, the warmth of your covers creeping around your toes and fingers, and your conscious mind slipping, slipping, slipping away. Let's just say, I haven't slept so well in a while. The hip's a little better now though it still hurts at certain positions but the jab wounds have started to swell to the extent where I can't hold my arms beyond 120 degrees, so no ballet for me again today. Sigh.

2011-09-12T12:25:00.003+01:00

Waking up with a voice in your head shouting, "DAMMIT YOU REALLY NEED TO START PACKING" is a sure-sign of acknowledging the fact that you are leaving and that you are finally internalising it. The weekend had gone by in a flurry of farewells and I actually feel anything but sad, really. I sound emotionless for saying that.. I'm anything but, of course.

From what was initially planned as an afternoon of thinking things out, I'd ended up buying a few coloured cards and envelopes, sat them down in Starbucks with a non-caffeinated drink and worked on messages along the lines of a more personalised version of a generic farewell, coupled with the rudimentary "best wishes" line. I promised not to make the messages sound sad. It's all I ever seem to sound like anyway.

Victoria swung by to pick up her baking tin and we'd exchanged a few stories before I headed home for dinner and subsequently headed off to the airport to see NatSim off. Maybe it was induced by the flashing lights of the traffic, enhanced by the auditory influence of Clocks by Coldplay and then Crystal Castles, all of which taking place concurrently while on a dimly-lit public bus speeding along the highway en route to the airport, that there was an adrenaline rush. I felt excited for a plane ride which I wasn't going to be on.

The airport terminal was swamped by circles of youths seeing off their friends. Seeing the airport amassed with people our age was slightly frightening. It made me think of church events. What was both intriguing and absolutely creepy about the whole thing was that while marching through the crowd, there were actually familiar faces and people whom I've not seen in years.

Same with yesterday, albeit with a much smaller crowd. What are the chances of bumping into your secondary one classmates in the toilet?! Seeing Jia Ying off was a much quieter affair than that of Nat's considering that she didn't want to let a lot of people know about her flight details lest she burst out into tears. The joke of yesterday was probably when her cousin popped up behind her and greeted me as though in school. It resulted in an uproar of laughter from everyone while I sank into embarrassment.

I had errands to run at SingPost today. I'd picked up my phone, thinking of BBM-ing Jia Ying if she wanted to go to and then I realised that she's 7 hours behind and is 10, 000km away. Well, fair enough, in less than two weeks, we'd be back in the time zone and 90km away from each other. It's pretty hilarious, isn't it? For the same reasons, I didn't bother writing her a card because I'm pretty sure we'd find ways to meet up anyway.

Packing is a real chore.

I wish I could carry more.

2011-09-10T16:28:00.004+01:00

Last day of the whole relief-teaching/teaching assistant stint as of this year. It's pretty cool to know that I've survived a total of eight months dealing with kids of the ages of 3-6 and 9-12. Here's just the Pre-Ballet teacher whom I'd been asked to assist and me acting like the 5/6-year-olds we have in class. Hehe.

The Taste of Ink by The Used

2011-09-08T07:36:00.005+01:00

Is it worth it
Can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

On a sidenote:
IMBECILIC DOUCHEBAG

2011-09-07T07:54:00.004+01:00

So much for productive use of time. I should really start to pack already. Well, I've finally changed the blog layout after quite a while. Then again, the colours used in this are quite similar to the previous similar except that this is not on a tonne of grey. I'm waiting for the rain to come. The afternoons have been looking a little dark but they have always been short of the rumbling of thunder, flashes of lightning and pelting of rain. Come on, make it happen already.

2011-09-06T14:03:00.003+01:00

September's going to fly by. Time is running away and I know I'm going to regret not making use of time wisely. This time, it isn't about using the time wisely to study, but to use it to appreciate everything and everyone. Maybe they are like sand grains, the harder you clench your fist, the quicker they escape. But then again, I haven't exactly been trying either.

Come this weekend, people will start departing. What scares me is not that they are leaving, but that things are going to change so much in the time of absence and I'm too afraid of returning to a place that becomes all unfamiliar. Then again, it may not be that bad after all.

I can't decide how I feel, exactly. I would like time to slow down a little, yet I also wish for it to speed up. I would like to take in a bit more but at the same time, would like to escape from it all. I regret, but I am hopeful at the same time.

It makes me wonder how people can sound so cheerful over words. I can never do it. It's a pity I come off sounding sadder than I actually mean to be. Or am I just confused with how I really feel as to how I wish to sound like I feel? How do people harp on anything happy for prolonged periods? Doesn't the source of happiness gradually become weary and meaningless after all the contrived attempts to preserve it? I really don't get it.

2011-09-05T15:27:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I wish all of life's words were written to a tune. At least I can hum its melody and shut off the psychobabble.

2011-09-04T07:43:00.008+01:00

First week of unemployment down. It was similar to the fresh new month after A levels in December last year. By that, I mean it in how it has been full of meet-ups and fresh new changes. Of course, it's only been the first week. The days have slowly dwindled down to 20 days. The idea of being away from all of this in under three weeks' time is both enticing and inexplicably... I'm not too sure what this fresh new tinge of hurt is actually. This odd emotion.. It could possibly be the very sensation of fear of loss, mixed with the fear of starting completely anew in a foreign land. Maybe it's just the realisation of the fact that I am emotionally attached to everyone here and perhaps I haven't been facing up to it as honestly as I should have. What a peculiar feeling..

Anyhow, this is how the week had gone. Monday was an interesting day because Victoria had invited us over for a ride on a rented yacht and we spent practically the entire day in constant contact with water (it had been drizzling). I liked it better with the rain anyway because that meant that the cloud covers would have reduced the amount of radioactivity exposed to the skin. I'm not a fan of the sunlight.. Though I must say that being drenched is not very much anything I would favour either.
It was an extremely long day. The entire time out in sand and water clocked up to only about four hours. After which, we ended up back at Vivo and treated ourselves to Gong Cha. Victoria cabbed to school and I'd left for Potong Pasir with Wan Sing and another two cups of Gong Cha since there was time to spare before I'd met Li Zhi. Having delivered the drinks to school, I had to backtrack the Northeast line to get back to Dhoby Ghaut to meet Li Zhi and later continued on to Buona Vista. The insane travelling on the other half of Singapore felt so odd to me. I'm too comfortable living in the East.

Dinner was spent with Joshua and Li Zhi at some place in Biopolis because they had a friend who was working there. This friend of theirs was someone I'd met three years ago when delivering a birthday cake on a stormy day for Li Zhi hahaha. Seeing him again made me recall about the incident from three years ago and it just ensued in an uncontrollable flow of random thoughts of linked incidents and how life's brand of humour can be so difficult to stomach sometimes.

We ended up taking the train back down to Paya Lebar and stayed in Macs until midnight after that because a meal is not a meal until it is completed with fast food for Li Zhi. Well it was extremely nice of him to have waited with me till the bus came because of some freaky incident on our train ride from City Hall to Paya Lebar.

After four hours of sleep, I woke up with squinting eyes and made my way to the Western side of Singapore again, this time with the mind of exploring the Southern Ridges. Greens and heights aplenty. It felt wonderful to be out doing something rather than sitting around in air-conditioning for a change, though the humidity was quite the bitch. Lunch of meatballs and chocolate mousses was spent at Queensway's Ikea since we had crossed over from Harbourfront to Queesway via the Southern Ridges.

Victoria departed for tea while we carried on our way to Pasir Panjang to meet a few ex-classmates at a Hari Raya celebration at Shabira's house. Spicy food. Spicy, spicy, spicy.
I'd signed my first bill via Visa on Thursday and it was for a haircut of mostly impulse and for the fact that hair eventually grows back. Davinia and I had tea at Paragon's Bakerzin in the evening and caught up from where we'd left off back in January. Our little chit-chat session proved to be a little glimpse possibly foreshadowing the illumination of an even more condensed social web than before as uncovered last night at the gathering. I am bemused at how Davinia is still so much taller than me despite being in a pair of 5-inch wedges.

Friday was spent grocery shopping and slogging over fiery stoves and hot ovens. Cooking is really not my thing. Every time there's a resolve to bake pies, I inevitably have this sense of dread and strong urge to give up and dump everything away. Thankfully though, the shepherd pie didn't turn out too bad. I felt so insecure without Wan Sing and Victoria around to supervise the entire process but thankfully, Bel was around to prepare her salmon quiche and that helped me to calm down in the kitchen.

Saturday was trip back to the ballet place just to assist the Pre-Ballet class. It was kind of funny because I'd met Li Wei, Natalie, Isabel and Wan Sing there when they were also invited to the gathering happening later in the day.

The gathering was a little crazy for me to handle. Fleeting like a social butterfly (very much epitomised by my pleated skirt but not very much in my character) from different groups and juggling calls for directions. It started off with pockets of awkwardness here and there considering that it was a small area to house people from every single aspect of my life. As forseen, there were moments of realising acquaintances through the mere mention of countless mutual friendships. I watched the social web further condense.

Thank you Li Wei, Isabel, Serena, Natalie, Huimei, Mong Yi (and Janine), Deborah, Zi Wei, Wei Jia, Ruici, Joshua, Li Zhi, Weng Keong, Mitchell, Victoria, Kristabelle, Elizabeth, Henny, Patricia, Sarah Low, Fun Juin and Kee Jia for having taken the time to come (especially you, KJ, despite being ill) and for the effort placed into the contribution of food for the potluck. Also, thank you for having been a part of my life -- significant parts of my life. Having been here yesterday alone, means a great lot to me.

For crazy times and for ongoing years of our lives, I love you all very much ♥

2011-08-28T12:49:00.004+01:00

Today marks the end of my choral pursuit. It's funny how I'd accidentally stumbled upon this whole thing while having a cold and am leaving it with another cold. Through this experience, I have gained a greater insights into music and also unintentionally cultivated a penchant to Get Things Done. Three years of accidental opportunities that I don't ever quite regret. Of course, I hope this isn't the permanent end to the whole thing but whether or not this goes on in future, we'll see how that goes, yeah?

Less than a month to go. Here's to 4 weeks of unemployment and high expenditures. 4 weeks of learning how to miss everything.

I know I can't exactly be considered as a kid anymore, but nor am I officially an adult. I just have to say that I absolutely do not wish to become one of those adults who ruin kids' lives with their absolute bullshit, double standards and complete lack of empathy and listening skills. What I see in most adults is their resentment towards responsibilities thrown upon them and they justify it with their "age of wisdom" where naïve and malleable youths bear the brunt of their lies and are labelled ignorant and apathetic.

Why make a statement when no one's listening?

2011-08-26T17:42:00.005+01:00

You know that feeling when you look at something that you've been fighting for and are suddenly not so sure if it's really what you want anymore?

I'm feeling it and I want to slap myself because doesn't help to do anything. Worse still, I can't tell if I'm thinking this way because I don't feel like I want it anymore, or if it's because I've become afraid of the odds, even before the fight has begun, or if it's because I'm just too afraid of the past to give myself a chance for the present and subsequently, the future.

Les Avions en Papier

2011-08-24T08:05:00.003+01:00

Suivent ta voie, suivent ta voie, en volant.

2011-08-21T16:00:00.008+01:00

I need to learn to come to terms with the fact that people don’t really think that I’m as important to them as I wish I were to them. I need to accept that I amount to nothing in anyone’s lives because I am a Catalyst. That is all.
Your words are empty.
They only hurt because I put meanings to them.
Well, I wish I knew what was up with me and how to deal with it but fact is I don't and I don't feel any motivation to do anything right now and nothing I do makes me feel happy.

2011-08-19T05:24:00.004+01:00

Dinosaur:
To dream that you are being chased by a dinosaur, indicates your fears of no longer being needed or useful. Alternatively, being chased by a dinosaur, may reflect old issues that are still coming back to haunt you.

Storm:
The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc.

Of course, these things are to be taken with a pinch of salt..

Random thought. If anyone wants to give me a gift before I leave, here's a suggestion. Compile a to-doodle list! I may be artistically handicapped but it would be fun.

2011-08-18T01:31:00.003+01:00

Ants:
To see ants in your dream, signify your general dissatisfaction in your daily life. You are feeling neglected and insignificant.

Of a great big incoherent dream plaguing the night of what should have been a restful sleep, all I remember from it are ants. Really... But yet, this interpretation's spot-on. Not a prediction, but a truthful symbol mirroring reality.

Nobody really gives a damn anyway.

2011-08-15T04:58:00.002+01:00

My hearing's a little unbalanced at the moment. Sounds going into my right ear sound a little muted while the left ear's picking up noises that are coming from the right side of my head. I feel a little disoriented and it doesn't help that the frontal lobes of my head are alternating in irregular throbbing rhythm on each side.

I'm thankful for the rain, the cold weather and the lack of activity today. It allows me to decay in front of the new laptop, picking through a limited selection of movies that I have on Bruce. And this cold weather makes me think about how I would feel about experiencing autumn, winter and spring in the next few months, alone. The idea of travelling alone is terribly exciting and somewhat frightening too. Will my hands turn frigid as I ride through the English countrysides while I gaze afar into disappearing plains in the blur of speed and haziness? I really need to invest in a pair of gloves, that I'm quite sure.

It's surreal. Everything in life seems a little surreal at every point, until you soak up enough of it and come to terms with it. When September comes, it will come and go extremely quickly. I can already forsee it. People leaving, time seeping through the gaps of memories and consciousness. It is a beautiful sight in my head, but melancholic, nonetheless. Coming back to see things different and unfamiliar may be a fearful thought but I think I would enjoy the change more than coming back to this, reviving the sense of dread that I so desperately wish to divorce myself from since quite a long while ago.

We're midway through August. We're nearly there. Nearly.

2011-08-10T14:27:00.006+01:00

cat·a·lyst [kӕtəlist] noun
1. Chemistry A substance, usually used in small amounts relative to the reactants, that modifies and increases the rate of a reaction without being consumed in the process.
2. One that precipitates a process or event, especially without being involved in or changed by the consequences.

2011-08-09T14:51:00.002+01:00

Funny how when you try to compartmentalise your feelings, sequestering them into the back of your mind, praying that it would not come into crossfire with your goals and commitments, but they still leak and float through the gaps that have not been sealed well enough by determination. I make a mess out of relationships because I'm not determined enough to keep things a certain way. People fall apart silently, make apologies and pretend that the confusion of the past had never bothered them and move on with their lives. Yet, I can't be content with this superficial period of peacefulness. Because I'm going to leave, I seek to straighten things out and eventually create unnecessary awkwardness.

Well I'm sorry. I'd only acted like this because I needed to divide like and like-like. Not that you'd ever heard my explanation because you insist that nothing's wrong. He says my methods were harsh but I knew that any softer approach would cause me to yield. Not that I hadn't despite these attempts. The guilt behind everything else has been partially absolved. It's only so because an apology I owe has finally been served.

Anyhow, I've learnt to understand that what I mean to keep under wraps cannot be kept as so when things are disclosed to friends who ill-regard your trust. So, maybe I should learn to pick my friends better, bottle up things even more or pin my heart back onto my sleeves. What the fuck are you expecting me to do?

Regardless, it's not to say that I'm all that unlucky because I have found someone onto whom I can depend on to listen out and provide support. Despite the times that his remarks may incite further frustrations, it's not anything that isn't true nor spoken with callousness or deliberate malice. Being able to withstand my immense flames of furies alone is worthy of mention. And I'm just glad because if not for you, I wouldn't know how to handle myself.

I've begun to count down the days. I'm beginning to let the news out. Slowly, but surely.

Day #30: What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month

2011-08-03T13:58:00.003+01:00

What changed this month was the amount of money I have in my personal bank account. I've finally hit the target I've expected to maintain. Considering that I'd withdrawn 2k for the London trip in June, I'd been determined to replenish parts of the lost funds ever since. Honestly, I'm really glad that the target balance has been met.

In the coming month of September, I hope to finally settle everything all that I need to settle. If you know, you know. +body modification.

Here marks the end of the 30 Day Challenge.

Day #29: A picture of yourself

2011-08-02T15:30:00.002+01:00

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                                                                                     GlassGiant.com

Day #28: The month you were happiest this year and why

2011-08-01T16:32:00.002+01:00

June, I guess. Solely because of being able to take a break from working so hard. It included a week of learning and absorbing. It wasn't anything spectacularly happier than the other months but I figure that it had the most happening in the month and I would have felt the most joy in June.

Day #27: Talk about your siblings

2011-07-31T15:41:00.003+01:00

I have an older brother and a younger sister, both six years apart each. That means that my brother and my sister are an entire zodiac cycle apart and that we've all attended the same primary school consecutively over a span of eighteen years. Try wrapping your mind around that. In terms of character similarities, I would say that we're all pretty scary people. Don't piss us off, seriously. I've been told by my piano teacher that my brother's pitch-perfect. I've seen for myself that my sister's quite accurate on pitch-identification too. As for me... Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. We've all inherited a pretty good ear, I guess, and I'm still wondering where it comes from. Unlike me, my siblings are both are lean and quite tall. I'm a little disadvantaged here.. We're all myopic, but I have it worst among us three.

I do not see eye-to-eye with my brother, at all, and I guess the only thing I'm glad about having him around is that he drives and is tech-savvy. Which means that I won't have to trouble my dad to fetch me from anywhere when it's too late and that if there's anything computer-related that needs help with, I can always approach him. However, I can never seem to talk to my brother about anything and never nicely. Partly because I feel like he detests me. Well, it's not hard to tell when all you hear from him are insults as you're growing up. I'm not exactly a docile little sister so I fight back, though it may not necessarily be through insults, but I am spiteful and I will get back at him. Or maybe, because of this whole suppressed anger from the repression of being the "younger sister" who does not know any fucking better has made me so angsty and paranoid. I hate being bullied. I hate being treated unfairly. I'm not a fucking sheep so don't expect me to keep quiet about it and let you have things your way.

My sister, on the other hand, may sometimes annoy me to the maximum, but there's no doubt that I'm much closer to her. Partially because she's a fulfilment of a birthday wish of my six-year-old self (before I understood where babies came from, anyway) and because she somewhat takes after me (for better or for worse). Of the entire family, she's probably the only person who understands the way I think and why I do the things I do at times. Throughout the years, I'd been determined not to be the person that my brother was to me towards her. But having a younger sister made me empathise partly why my brother treats me as such. All the more, I would try not to do it. My sister and I frequently have exchanges of childish banters and it helps a lot in keeping things light-hearted. Unfortunately, there are lots of times where things slip and I inevitably lose my temper. Doesn't help that we're both equally as fiery in our tempers so it's a battle of fire-power breaks out. She's growing up though, and starting to mould her beliefs in things. Watching your younger sibling growing up is quite a heartening process to watch, actually.

Is this comprehensive enough?

Day #26: Your religious beliefs

2011-07-30T16:52:00.002+01:00

Those who know me well know that I'm not religious in any form. I'm an agnostic-theist, unlike the atheistic person I tend to joke about. I feel completely at ease in cathedrals but extremely uncomfortable during chapel and church services. I get goosebumps and sense extremely unfriendly vibes when I partake in chapel and church services. Two years in SA and there was never once where I could feel comfortable with enthusiastic Christians belting out worship songs. Sermons were seldom interesting and I was highly cynical even at the times when I bothered to listen. You would think that after two years, I would have become so used to chapel sessions that it would stop bothering me. Hardly. Thing is, disregarding spiritual rituals and practices, I love cathedrals. The space, the silence, the architecture of these monolithic historical buildings, filled with art frescos and stained-glass windows. They never fail to fascinate me.

My parents, especially my mother, mixes her beliefs in Buddhism and Taoism though in name, she calls herself a Buddhist. In all honesty, I find Asian religions and their practices and superstitions a little incredulous and simply cannot identify with them. However, there is much to respect with regards to the profound wisdom behind the philosophy of their teachings.

I do not wish to offend any religious group whatsoever, but I sometimes can't help but to think that these Gods of organised religions are but crafted ideals of needy, desperate human behaviours, wanting to rely on something they believe to be omnipotent and ever-forgiving. Is it really like that, though? Some of the rules, rites and rituals are simply man-made and lies are told and carried down the generations. Anything that can withstand time is essentially worth believing, is that not what we think? I think anyone who is lucid in their mind would be able to see through the flaws and loopholes of religions and the justification of what they preach but not practice, or what the preach and contradict.

Nevertheless, I still do think that there's something higher out there. It may not be a perfect higher-being, but it is there. What for, I don't really care, I don't really know. I just know it listens when you have something to say.

Day #25: 10 ways to win your heart

2011-07-29T08:58:00.004+01:00

Only one person can do so -- my Babyboy.

FFFFFFFFFFFFWAHAHAHAHA. I'm joking. I'm trying quite hard to suppress my laughter right now. Friends talk about this every once in a while because it's such a difficult thing to expect. Really, there can be so many ways and also so few ways to do so, but I'm not too sure either.

Do something silly but heartening.
Have staring competitions with me. It's an excuse for me to survey your eyes. LOL. Or simply have nice eyes. LOLOLOL.
Be sincere, and be opinionated without being bigoted.
Argue with me. Not in a bad argument sort of way. Discussions and all. God, I cannot stand silence. I don't need to win, but teach me to look at things with new perspectives.
Think of impossible things. Dream. Dream. Dream. Speak of exciting things.
Write and draw random things out of the blue. I'm such a sucker for anything with a fraction of an ounce of sentimental value.
Be clean-shaven and smell fresh. I can't stress how important it is to smell good. LOL.
Be a morning person! Morning strolls in parks and breakfasts and all.
Share.
BE ABLE TO IMPROVISE HARMONIES AND BE SPONTANEOUS ABOUT MUSIC.

This took quite a while for me to complete. #10 looks like something that should have come to mind immediately. Hmph.

Day #24: Things you want to say to 5 different people

2011-07-27T17:48:00.002+01:00

You were once cool, but now you seem to be trying a little too hard and it comes off as being quite pretentious.

You're selfish, insensitive and you're not even listening anymore.

Sometimes, I really regret telling you anything because you're hardly of any help and only make me feel worse than before.

Thank you for everything.

I wish I'd never met you.

Day #23: Something you always think "what if..." about

2011-07-27T16:58:00.000+01:00

Let's be very honest.

I always think about how everyone elses' lives would be better if I didn't exist.

Day #22: 10 things about you people don't really expect

2011-07-26T01:47:00.002+01:00

Uhm. First things first. Most people don't expect me to be able to dance, especially ballet, until they know me. Until they know that it's something that I've been doing since I was five.
People do not expect me to listen to hip-hop music. LOL. This is really quite hilarious. A few times, people have given me the exact same expression when I comment on Beyoncé', Eminem, Missy Elliott, Alicia Keys, etc. Though it's not exactly very deep into the whole hip-hop/R&B scene, I do listen to some of it, once in a while. Perhaps not as much anymore since the mainstream direction of hip-hop music seems to be heading towards the whole clubbing thing.
Ah, people are generally surprised that I can speak Cantonese. In fact, some commented that I sound more "Asian" speaking Cantonese than Mandarin. Well, I apologise for my sorry state of spoken Mandarin D:
Some people are under the impression that I drink a lot. Truth is, I don't even fancy the taste of alcohol. Not even things like champagne and wine, what more crazier percentages like vodka and tequila. If possible, I'd rather not touch it.
Most people initially think that I'm quite scary. Uhm. And most of my friends think that I would scare little kids. I don't like kids, but the past few months have shown that they don't feel the same about me._. Instead of shouting and screaming at them, like people would expect me to, I don't really.
Another thing is that people hardly ever think that I'm a Science student who takes interest in Biology and Chemistry. Throughout the two years in JC, and even after it, people still look utterly bewildered when I tell them that I do not take Literature nor Geography. Sigh.
I like glitter. No, I love it.
Generally, because I have a great interest in most forms of performing arts (at least for those who know), people don't understand when I tell them I can't appreciate plays/drama. I'm trying, though with a lot of effort. Watching Pygmalion in London took a lot of warming up to and there were so many times where I'd been so tempted to switch off.
People don't expect me to wear skirts and dresses, but now I do. LIVE WITH IT.
Some people get the idea that I like arguing. Thing is, though I may like to defend my stand, I only do so when something they say sounds offensive, makes no sense or is downright inconsiderate. Otherwise, my rare eloquence is usually a gathered incoherence of stutters.

Day #21: Something you can't seem to get over

2011-07-25T15:08:00.002+01:00

I bear grudges. It's not that I choose to do so. But I just can't get over things and I just can't let them go. I have tried making the conscious effort to do so, but it never works out after a while. I really cannot find it in myself to forgive anyone for anything major.

And one of which, is easily whatever that's been bothering me the past few years. Whenever there's a trigger, I lose control.

Day #20: The last argument you had

2011-07-24T14:11:00.003+01:00

The last argument I had was on whether the domestic terrorist in Norway should be put to death by capital punishment or to be sent for "softer" punishments but nonetheless something that would duly punish him. How do you draw the line, actually?

Day #19: Something that never fails to make you feel better

2011-07-23T16:13:00.003+01:00

DRUGLORD: MDMA.

Before you get the wrong idea, I actually mean the music playlist on my iPod. My iPod is named DRUGLORD because my playlists are named after drugs. Music is categorised by the proposed effects of the drugs as listed by Wikipedia and described by media. LOL. MDMA consists of heavy bass, throbbing drumbeats and catchy synthesiser loops. It is my narcotic to unhappiness. But like all drugs, its effectiveness fades off over time upon usage.

Day #18: Disrespecting parents

2011-07-22T16:57:00.004+01:00

I would never, ever like to disrespect my parents without reason, or for the sake of throwing a tantrum. However, I admit, I am quick to anger. There are many grouses that I have about my parents. Be honest, which child wouldn't have of their parents? But it wouldn't warrant a phrase such as "I hate my parents". In fact, I think it is an extremely childish and selfish phrase to use.. Well of course extreme circumstances would justify its usage.. Though not so much for me.

It instantly gets on my nerves when my parents do things that they scold me for. INSTANTLY. The irony and the inconsistency of the preaching they give with the practice they carry out drives me mad. Mad with rage. I've never really been the one who talks back. My sister on the other hand... Anyhow, I will rebut when they're absolutely ridiculous with their claims, which then proceeds with even more ridiculous remarks from my parents. Of which, obviously angers me further. My parents don't understand, in this aspect. They see things in such literal value, they are oblivious to the usuage of the tone of voice, the choice of words and blatant implications of the things they mean to say are not saying, merely through the way their contrite defences knot up in the argument. They are inclined to silence you with a threat, of which they claim that they do not mean at the end of the argument, but you know full well how much it had hurt you.

And for me. I don't ever let it go. Not until something has been done to make up for it. And that's where disrespect comes in.

Day #17: Things that make you scared

2011-07-21T16:42:00.005+01:00

Oh it would be quite in order for me to put this in bullet points.

The future
Secrets being leaked out by another person other than myself and without my permission
Not being in control
Ant colonies
Sensation of falling
Not knowing how to carry on
Not knowing what to do
Not having anything to do
Falling off the highway
Dismemberment
Losing my memory
Going deaf
Evangelism
Any situation in which causes a spiritual discomfort
Losing stuff
Not meeting expectations/deadlines
Going en pointe
Huge, packed, stifling crowds
Little kids

I'll be sure to add to the list if I can remember anything else later on.

Day #16: 3 things you are proud of about your personality

2011-07-20T16:27:00.004+01:00

Three aspects of a difficult personality like mine that I deserve to feel prideful of? You know, quite honestly, I need to think quite hard. There are so many things I can easily think of that people wouldn't like, whereas the positive attributes are pretty much.. Foreign to me.

Maybe. Honesty? But frankly speaking, that's mostly because I am extremely uncomfortable with telling lies. Besides, I'm a really forgetful person. I'm more likely to forget the lies I've told rather than to carry on with them. I try my best to be tactful but it doesn't always work. I can be quite brutal at times.. :/ But otherwise, I'm all for honesty as the best policy. It helps to prevent unnecessary communication breakdowns. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way. Balancing between the hurt from truth and prolonged pain from blinding lies are difficult. Of course, white lies are essential at times, but I would really rather not. Besides, when one spins tales, more often than not, an entire web of lies will be created to bury the initial lie. And definitely, when there's a need to withhold information, I will. It would be nonsensical if I acted as though I was on veritaserum 24/7.

Okay, some people will be inclined to disagree with this. I am actually quite open-minded, but open-mindedness does not disregard morals and ethics. I may be obsessive with trivial matters that probably cannot tantamount to anything great enough to hinder anything that is plausible in causing a revolution in my life, but I do not carry that same attitude to things which would cause a significant change in life. I may have a tonne of pet peeves and am seemingly "anal" about quite a number of things, but it does not represent an inflexibility towards listening out to and embracing new philosophies, new ideas and new perspectives. What I'm not open to is the lack of sincerity and the coercion of holier-than-thou principles upon others, especially in condescension. That is where I will draw the line. I have no qualms with giving things a try as long as it is not guaranteed to fail. Actually, sometimes, I would attempt something even if I were to fail, just so that I can fail something without regrets. At least I tried.

(Wow, it's been 45minutes since I'd started the post. I'm obviously taking way too long to think.)

(65 minutes and I still can't think of one last thing to write about. Pathetic.)

LASTLY (finally...), Impulsion. Diving head-first into things without giving it proper consideration is dangerous and completely irrational. However, impulsion has proven itself to create a lot of the best moments in my life. It's a love-hate characteristic of mine, I would suppose, but I am proud of it. Without Impulse, I could have missed out on so much in Life. Anything I attempt to plan and follow always seems to fall apart quite miserably. Of course, there is joy in knowing that things are unfolding as planned, but an even greater ecstasy in discovering something new without meaning to.

Day #15: The best thing to happen to you this week

2011-07-19T16:02:00.002+01:00

Let's think of "this week" as in the past seven days instead of from Last Sunday to the Coming Sunday. The week had been a rough week. In all honesty, I cannot name the best thing of the week. Nothing was spectacular. It's a bland week, days passing after the next after the next after the next. Of course, there were a handful of small joys from simple moments like listening to a good song, feeling momentarily heartened by something random and innocent, sleeping well. Maybe they were the "best" things. I can't compare them among themselves.

Day #14: Something disgusting you do

2011-07-18T16:24:00.003+01:00

I pick at scabs and zits. It gets worse when I'm under stress because I'll keep picking at skin without realising that I'm doing it until it bleeds.

***

I'm starting to get sick of work. Or maybe it's because I've found something else to look forward to and that realisation of knowing that I have to leave soon results in waning commitment. With all the bad stuff happening today, the need to stop and leave is becoming more and more intense. Those bad feelings are returning and I just need to break away from everything again.

Day #13: A date you would love to go on

2011-07-17T15:50:00.002+01:00

Oh wow, I've never given this a thought, actually. Well, I would guess.. Anything spontaneous should pretty much go. It just has to be interesting, fun and possibly memorable. I'm such an idealist.

OH LOL. Maybe, maybe, maybe. You could join me in an improvised jamming session. Write some bullshit lyrics, do some lame rap and laugh our asses off. It would really be nice to do something dumb with someone smart enough to make it interesting.

I don't know. I like surprises. Sucks planning stuff and having things falling below your expectations.

Day #12: Things you want to say to an ex

2011-07-16T15:36:00.003+01:00

Don't have one.

***

Sometimes, I really hate talking to you because it makes me feel even more worse after telling you about things. You're stating facts and practical solutions but something about the way you say it always irks me. It comes across as being rather insensitive, it gets on my nerves and you only see me getting pissed off without knowing why. I don't know why exactly either, but it just makes me feel shittier. I'm too much of a coward to say this to your face so I'm typing everything here.

Day #11: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is

2011-07-15T15:17:00.001+01:00

HAHA. Never been in a relationship. Can't even handle friends, how to handle anything more? LOL.

Single life is just. Being single. Seriously, what am I supposed to describe about it? I have nothing to compare it to hahaha. Seeing how my friends and their other-halves consume each others' time... I don't know how I'd deal with that. I don't even spend so much time with my family members. And people gorging on dates and such. Really? Your other-halves aren't toys. It'd be nice just to sit around and not do anything with them, right? I'm not too curious, but I really don't get the point of a relationship at this moment. Yet... People younger than me have had more relationships than I have piercings. HAHA.

I don't know. I've already kind of established that I would grow old with 27 cats. We'll see how it goes.

Day #10: Your views on drugs and alcohol

2011-07-14T15:54:00.003+01:00

Drugs and alcohol. Hmm. Given if it were three years ago and before, I would have given straight-edge as an answer. But the truth is, things have changed.

Sobriety was and is still something I would treasure very much. I have yet to tip the scale and lose myself in intoxication in alcohol, hence I don't quite know my threshold either. Sadly to say, though, my face flushes quite immediately and quite badly after taking alcohol, no matter how small or great the amount.

Thing is, I have not discovered the joys of alcohol. It doesn't give me the "high" that everyone claims to garner from it. I still think it tastes vile, yet I still drink occasionally with friends because it amuses me. The first time I'd seen someone displaying unruly behaviour upon intoxication disgusted me. The next few did too. I've never found it funny.

Smoking... Is completely disgusting and I cannot ever condone it. I've never understood how models and celebrities holding onto lit cigarettes in photographs and videos/movies could be considered as being sexy. Can you imagine the immensely disgusting sooty taste in their mouths? And how do you ever kiss anyone who tastes like an ash tray? It's bad for health, it's bad for the environment, it smells bad and it doesn't really do anything beneficial to you. So what's the point? Smoking never solves anything. Your worries and your problems are unlike the smoke in which floats into the air and disappears. In fact, the other pollutants present in smoke lingers about like the sense of dreariness and uncertainty of your fears, worries and problems. I don't think I quite need a reminder.

Lastly... drugs in general. I really do think that they're cool, especially hallucinogens. I believe drugs have a part to play in art to some extent. It accentuates certain feelings and makes people cross-fade their senses to create a whole new sensation. Well. I have not tried any, but I gather that would be how it feels like. I am quite interested in LSD, actually. However, Li Zhi thinks I'd require extra supervision while having an acid trip because I'd probably be more prone to having a bad trip than going on a high. Quite honestly.. I wouldn't rule that possibility out. Doesn't stop me from wanting to try though.

So, the most harmful thing about drugs and alcohol is that they are things are always connected to addictions. In my opnion, everyone's addicted to something, just possibly not everything that they have a dependency on has to be a drug. Some people are addicted to sex. Some people are addicted to their collections of odd objects. Some people are addicted to drama. Some people are addicted to attention. Some people are addicted to their religions. Some people are addicted to their compulsions. Each and everyone of us need something to take our minds off things we can't deal with. We turn to these ritualistic forms of escapism, praying for a moment of respite. An addictions is a problem that people should deal with as a whole, starting from the cause of one's insecurity and the factors which are pushing them to seek for resolve in an irrational manner. We shouldn't be pinpointing addictions only to drugs and alcohol for we can all see from the list above, that we're all human and we're all dependent on something.

Day #09: Your last kiss

2011-07-13T02:25:00.001+01:00

Guy on the Listerine advertisement.

Day #08: Something you're currently worrying about

2011-07-12T16:14:00.002+01:00

There is so much that I worry about at one time.

Right now, in all honesty, it's mostly my sister. She has reached this precarious age so painfully susceptible to raging teenage hormones. It doesn't help that my mom's reaching the middle-age.. You know. Things do happen to all of us, I guess, but it is within our control to choose how we react to circumstances. I wish I'd known this earlier. I would like to be in my sister's position right now because I would know that there's someone to speak to. I hadn't. But like I'd said, it's up to her to make the move.

Day #07: Your opinion on cheating on people

2011-07-11T06:24:00.003+01:00

It's wrong. Period.

Whether you're attached but not married and cheating or you're married and still cheating. Cheating is wrong. I believe lines should be drawn between being charming and being flirtatious. My definition of infidelity is essentially physical intimacy and/or emotional obsession with an individual other than your significant other. That would mean that one-night-stands are also considered as cheating. I suppose certain people would cheat on their significant others because they're really lacking in faithfulness. It is not to be forgiven. If one can do it once, it can be done many more times. If one's excuse for cheating is that the significant other hasn't been giving enough, then I suppose a heart-to-heart talk would be more in other than diving right into something to fulfil your needs and not giving any thought to the feelings of the significant other.

Worse still if you're married and have kids. THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN. You're such a disgrace. Think of your fucking family. How are your kids expected to take to your infidelity? Do you feel very empowered fucking around with other people? Do you know how your significant other feels? Do you know how your significant other will struggle between letting the children know and to keep the burden to himself/herself? Do you think a divorce is easy to file for? Who's going to pay for the living expenses? Who are the children going to live with? Why do you have to separate the children from each other, or even from their parents? Are you FIT to be their role model anymore?

Day #06: The person you like and why you like them

2011-07-10T15:28:00.002+01:00

Awkward..

He was... A whole new thing to me. Somewhat. And a little of something familiar. I'm not too sure why I liked him either HAHA. I fall for novelty, I guess. He'd embodied a spark which had me nearly like a moth to a flame. And yet, I have the tendency to extinguish anything that could possibly make me feel weak and vulnerable. Yet, as much as I try, he would reappear with new gimmicks, new ways to make me break my resolve.

Odd isn't it. From the attempt of trying hard not to make anything happen, I'd, in turn, undervalued a friendship which could have blossomed beautifully. Things between us needn't have been this way.

Well then again. He used to be able to infuriate me without a sound reason. Sounds like I could never make up my mind about him. We didn't exactly have a lot of things in common, yet we had a lot which made us cross paths. Providence has its odd ways of showing its power.

Day #05: 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex

2011-07-09T13:40:00.003+01:00

Just wondering... Why does the question ask opposite sex/same sex? Can't it just be people in general? Well, if you want to tend it towards that way...

STUBBLES LOL. SERIOUSLY. GUYS. THESE ARE BLOODY ANNOYING. I don't know how the whole shaving matter goes but it's really gross ughhh. Especially with us being asians, guys' stubbles are not black but green. HOW GROSS IS THAT? It looks like MOSS. Not steering too far away from the prickly moss-green five o'clock shadows, are stray facial hairs not properly removed from the course of shaving. I cannot help but to stare and struggle with trying to break it to boys directly, interjecting, "Hey dude. You really gotta shave."
Same-sex peeves. Hmm. I don't like how some girls croon over cute guys, cute stuff in their pseudo-cutesy voices. OH. MY. GOD. Shut that damn trap! I don't like how girls play the Vulnerable card to appeal to guys. I guess it's wired in males to exhibit some sort of protective trait but honestly... It's so sickening to watch.
PEOPLE IN GENERAL. PLEASE COVER YOUR MOUTHS WHEN YOU YAWN. I don't quite appreciating your attempt in letting people now how many fillings your teeth have got, how many ulcers you've got, how long you have not brushed your teeth, how huge your mouth is, etc. It's disgusting. Besides, it looks really unsightly. I would equate that to nose-picking.
Okay, back to opposite gender annoyances. DON'T GIVE ME THAT ARGUMENT THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A GUY THEREFORE WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER. Unless it's a valid non-disputable Biological conclusion and that there is absolutely no form of mutual inclusion in statistics, then perhaps it will be in order.
Lastly, some boys really need to learn to tone down on their colognes, as do some really need to learn to wash up after sports. After having been in a girls' school for 4 years, I had a rather difficult time getting used to the smell of boys. Teenage boys. I'm really thankful for the fact that the gender composition of my class was mostly girls. I remember the times when we had to use this particular classroom after a male-dominated class... THE SMELL IS HORRENDOUS. We were so tempted to carry our Chemistry class outdoors.

Yep. So here we go. Li Zhi would definitely say that the list is not exhaustive... But I can never list my pet peeves fully when I have to. He on the other hand, can practically do a rap about it.

Day #04: What you wear to bed

2011-07-08T15:33:00.007+01:00

T-shirt + FBT shorts. Really. Even when it's cold. I have a tendency to hike up long pants while I'm sleeping. Even though I don't feel myself doing it, I often wake up without the jacket when I attempt to sleep with a jacket. However, I do sleep with a quilt layer and a blanket layer sandwiched in between. Warm enough.

***

Steering away from the 30 Day Challenge. Here's to proper blogging.

Marisa, Lynn and I finally met up after... Over a year. It felt really wonderful to meet them again. Things have been quite different since Marisa had left and she has created a few of the best memories that I had in SA.

Midway through dinner while trying to take photographs of Lynn and Marisa, I heard my name being called. It turned out to be Ian. Oddly coincidental, since Victoria, Mitchell, Wan Sing and I were meeting up today.

School's starting for some. Lynn's leaving next week and I can't quite grasp the fact that we won't be quite able to see each other for the next few years. Everything feels really unreal at the moment. If I'd been complaining about people leaving two years ago, that was really just the start of everything. These tight connections are going to be scattered about the world and distance shall test our perseverance in keeping our friendships intact.

So... Mitchell, Victoria, Wan Sing and I had plans for brunch at Epicurious (Quayside) today but a few things messed up. First of all, I'd woken up late... Which I swear does not happen very often. Secondly, Mitchell was caught up with some family commitments so he couldn't join us at Epicurious when we'd finally decided to go with or without him. Besides, he had not been replying our texts nor picking up our calls.

Eventually, we met up back at Clarke Quay and headed to the ballet place at which unfolded some sort of complication and resulted in further changes of plans. Victoria left for her driving lessons while the three of us settled for Island Creamery. I'm forever having ice-cream with Baby Boy. LOL. Except, I refused to have any today because I was reeling in attention-deficit due to the caffeine buzz from the caramel milk tea that Isabel had bought for me before work started. I figured that if I'd taken any ice-cream, I would be out of control.

This is what I'd typically do on a caffeine buzz:

Rock back and forth/side-to-side.
Speak really fast.
Speak ridiculously.
Become more easily distracted than usual.
Make rather irrelevant and ridiculous observations.
Tremble.

I do meet up with Wan Sing quite often and see Victoria nearly every week because of choir practice but it really is quite rare for the four of us to actually meet up altogether. It's been a long while and it'll be an even longer while when school starts.

Anyhow, my parents are overseas and my sister and I are left to fend for each other. Laundry was kind of hilarious because I was exerting some degree of OCD on my sister regarding the hangers. It's quite sad for her because she has to settle lunch on her own since I'm either at work or out with friends these few days. While waiting for the bus home with her just now, she'd asked me when I was leaving. After I told her, she questioned, "Then my birthday how?"

Funny huh. How the last birthday I had spent with any of you, could possibly have been the last ever till years down the road. Ever had that thought?

Day #03: What kind of person attracts you

2011-07-06T17:23:00.003+01:00

According to a little discussion that Wan Sing and I had just a few days back, the attributes of one that I seem to be favour is flamboyant, unreliable, undeserving and suspiciously gay.

Of course, that's just a joke.

~~An awkward British boy would do the trick though.~~

Drawing similarities from my short list of crushes. Well actually. None, really.

I don't know, honestly. Just a moment ago, I had this odd realisation that I have great respect for some older guys. For example, Johnny Depp, Michael Tse, Dayo Wong and of course, Davey Havok. Then again, celebrity crushes are never my thing. I just have great respect for them.. More deeply so than mere teen idolatry.

Okay, steering back to the question on hand.

Well, I guess, intelligent, humorous and spontaneous would be the rudimentary characteristics of one that would form some sort of good impression on me. Looks are really secondary, though the eyes are important. Extremely, extremely, extremely important. After all, my friends often question my ability to discern good-looking guys because of the guys I used to have crushes on. IT'S QUITE FUNNY ACTUALLY. I suppose looks get people noticed but it isn't exactly something you would base a friendship on, yeah?

Other really general stuff like, being nice (e.g. displaying chivalry without being chauvinistic), interesting (e.g. displaying eccentricity without being coming across as completely off-tangent), show some level of artistic appreciation and being honest and sincere.

I think attraction based on similarities in character can be quite ridiculous, knowing that I'm quite.. Unpredictable and confusing at times. Meeting someone who's too much like me would probably make me not like the person. We wouldn't even talk in the first place, what more having any room for attraction.

I think I'm quite a difficult person to impress. It would mainly base on vibes, to be real honest. It's either you have it or you don't. Never halfway there.

Day #02: How have you changed in the past 2 years?

2011-07-05T17:17:00.001+01:00

Lots and not much at the same time. I guess the things I believed in and the values I uphold have not changed at all. However, everything else may have. It could have been little shifts in certain aspects, but no matter how small or large a scale a change, it is undoubtedly different and I know it makes a difference.

The biggest difference, I would say, is that I've become less of an Idealistic person and have started to use more of my left brain to consider consequences and eventually tend towards being a More Practical person. In the past, I used to do things based solely on gut feelings and impulses. It had it's own perks. I'm too prone to over-thinking, over-preparing and over-worrying now. In the pursuit of being more practical, I have compromised the ability to be carefree in my decisions.

My priorities have changed so much. I guess in the past 2 years in SA, it has extracted some essence of leadership which I've never acknowledged nor believed to be existent in me and it sticks. There's no change in my temper. I'm still quick to anger. But my reactions towards anger have slightly changed. No doubt, I'm still greatly indulging in verbal profanities, but I'm not as quick to use the tongue anymore. I don't lash out as often.. I suppose but it does seem that my silence causes more intimidation than expected. I'm still an angry person.. Just with a different way of showing it. LOL.

The views I had on friendship and relationships have slightly shifted off its initial focus. In all honesty, I've become more pessimistic about them. I've grown more insecure, way more cynical and of course, more jaded from the friction of converging social circles.

I've started to think about people differently too. I used to see people as the people they were at present and the people they were striving to become. Now, I try to look for signs of wear and tear caused by their past and try to understand why they've become the people they are and learn to embrace their faults... To the best of the ability that I can. Of course, there will always be people who will instantly get on my nerves.

On a more superficial level, my taste in clothes have obviously changed. My wardrobe actually now contains more dresses than shorts and jeans. Shocking. I've moved on from graphics, to stripes and now geometrical shapes and plain colours. My music taste has changed... It's evolved, I would say.

Of course, with change, I'd say, I've grown up.

Day #01: Weird things you do when you're alone

2011-07-05T00:14:00.004+01:00

TONNES. On most occasions, I'll plug in Druglord (a.k.a. my iPod), put the 10, 000 over songs on shuffle and attempt to play whatever that comes on on the piano. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I mean, how bad can it get... I'll just press "skip". Sometimes, I can be walking across the living room and randomly do some grand battements just to feel stretched out. I like leaping across things by doing a pas de chat, a glissade or if I feel like it, a grand jeté. It makes me feel like a cat. When there's music in the background (which would usually be the case anyway), I will instinctively harmonise with the melody by singing a third away and I'll sing shamelessly.. Even if the notes clash by accident.

2011-07-04T15:18:00.000+01:00

I'm going to do this here instead of Tumblr. Or at least attempt to..

2011-07-03T18:33:00.004+01:00

There's so much that I want to say, but so little that I can say. All the noise, all the incoherent and sudden numbers, words and phrases coming to mind in fragments of a distorted memory, completely unintelligible when attempted to be brought across in structured sentences. Words can barely describe the intensity of the noise and undecipherable bullshit ricocheting off the walls of the mind. Same noise, same things, amplifying, amplifying, amplifying. It keeps ringing and it won't shut up. It won't let me sleep in peace. Oddly enough, these scarce dreams feel more complete than reality. Through these illusions, I find fulfilment. Yet as the dawn breaks and the gravity of reality pulls the mind back through lucidity, the sequence falls apart and the dreams vaporises like steam. Eyes, squeezed tight, trying to re-capture and grasp onto what can be held onto still, only to be forgotten upon sight of the first ray of sunlight.

2011-06-29T05:52:00.003+01:00

Been back from London for three days already. Judging from photos, everyone says, the trip looked like loads of fun. "Fun" wouldn't be the word I'd pick for the trip. Beyond shallow material satisfaction of the trip, it was actually a pretty life-changing experience.. Or maybe just because life-changing circumstances coincided with the trip.

London, in my utmost opinion, was not as I'd expected it to be. The thing I cherish most about being back home is cleanliness. Honestly. There is undoubtedly much of beautiful architecture everywhere with modern buildings hidden amongst the old and ornate ones. However, everything had been so much of a mess. The people, the culture, the buildings. And of course, construction was going on everywhere in light of the upcoming Olympics to be hosted in London (which I had completely forgotten about prior to the trip).

Well, it was slightly more than a vacation, I would say. For those of you who had already known where I was slated to study at, things have changed since the trip. It's not about me being indecisive and that the trip has caused my opinions to sway. It's all about prospects and going in line with dreams. The opportunities presented here are so much greater. I had quite a bit of a struggle with making a decision over the past few days but I have come to a conclusion and have taken my pick.

Perhaps, all the fear did not stem from only whether or not if I was picking the right choice. It's the frightening leap towards realising your dream. Success is not without risks and sacrifices. All I hope is not to regret this.

2011-06-17T18:19:00.003+01:00

Feelings of surrealism surround us all as we careen through the process of growing up. It isn't easy, it isn't all smooth-sailing. The moment of realisation seizes us all as we look upon ourselves differently as we had before. Feelings have changed, mindsets have changed and most importantly, people have changed. Yet, the further apart we may all seem to become, the more closely-linked we actually are. Relations aplenty but as dilute as water. What is Life but a series of inopportune moments sewn together with good intentions? The light shines differently upon us all. Some are still lost in the dark, some are veering towards the glimpses of a bright future and some are already shining brilliantly. And here I am, trying to understand it all but only barely skimming across the surface, briefly grasping onto all that's transient.

And today, I wondered, if death was a form of release. A release from a debt. For Life is something that we have borrowed from something higher. The pains and sufferings of a human being is but our little interest totalling up to our payment. Up till death, till our debt is paid in full, we are released. And maybe that's why people go to "Heaven". And maybe, because you can't live through it and you decide to end it before you are done, you go to "Hell". It's your punishment.

Well of course, I don't believe in much of a Heaven or Hell. It was just a thought.

Here's to a week in the English summer. See you all in a week's time. Or so.

2011-06-15T18:46:00.002+01:00

Talked to Li Zhi over MSN. Albeit not for a very long while, but it feels as though a dam holding up all of my frustrations just crumbled. Talking to him made space for more. It has also shown me how unhappy I am. How naive I must have been to think that sequestering them all would cause them to eventually disappear. I've not felt like I've had anyone to talk to. Do you understand?

2011-06-11T17:48:00.003+01:00

JUST ORDERED A PAIR OF THESE..

I'M ON A SPAZZ FEST SO IT IS VERY MUCH IN ORDER FOR ME TO TYPE IN CAPS AND SHOUT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS BECAUSE THOSE ARE MACBETHS DESIGNED BY DAVEY HAVOK (AFI) FOR ZUBOUTIQUE. I KIND OF LOVE HAVING A SALARY RIGHT NOW. I'M JUST HOPING REALLY HARD THAT THEY'LL GET HERE BEFORE I LEAVE ON THE EIGHTEENTH!

2011-06-02T07:46:00.003+01:00

I felt a peculiar need to put things into words now that the days to London are drawing nearer. A few things have been on my mind, though mostly shallow, superficial and laden with nonsense.

2 years ago yesterday, it was the first day at PreUSem. Last year yesterday, it was the first day in Central Europe with SAJChorale. Yesterday, I bought finally bought a new leotard in years and finally in a different design though I'm pretty much sticking to black. For the first time in my life, I actually found Stage Image. I had a pretty brilliant stroke of luck yesterday. After which, I'd retreated home because I didn't feel like doing anything else and ended up stuck indoors with a game of Pokemon while the storm raged on.

Anyhow! LONDON CALLING.

Well frankly speaking, I really dislike the fact that so many people have gone/are going to London this year and not for school. It makes this trip feel less special. I'm petty like that :/ Regardless, despite the fact that we're less than three weeks away from the trip, Debo and I haven't exactly decided where we'll be going and what we'll mostly be doing. In all honesty, I'm not too sure how we'll do what we want to do. I would really feel more prepared if we could somehow draft out an itinerary.

I've always had these conjured images of London contributed by media and what I can recall from my five-year-old self. I'm actually quite worried that I have too high an expectation from the trip and would come back disappointed. Perhaps all that I think I remember and all that I believe London to be will be drastically different from what it really is.

Sometimes, we look back at memories, holding onto certain emotions, sensations and feelings. While we try to re-live them, they somehow turn out so different. For better or for worse, it varies.

2011-05-28T18:58:00.003+01:00

好想睡觉，可是我真的、真的睡不着……

There's been so much going on simultaneously. Work, leisure, personal growth, realisations, etc. I've officially ended my term for relief-teaching and as much as I am relieved that I won't have to wake up at 6AM on weekdays anymore, I do know that I would quite miss the music room with the piano and the drums within easy reach.

Work has reached its climax of business and it's going to continue for the next two weeks. It started with the whole thing for the IBC Gala in which was a success. It was quite funny that they had alcohol backstage even before the performance started. In the midst of curtain call, I fled to SCH for what's left of choir rehearsals. The experience from all the rehearsals leading to the post-performance has given me a proper reason to see Chinese Orchestras in a newer, more positive light. My sister would be proud of me.

On a really random note though. You know how Nightwish incorporates symphonic orchestral sounds into their music... Someone else should try it out with Chinese Orchestras. Or perhaps it's already been done. If my ears hear accurately, I think Kamelot has already tried out the erhus.

Wednesday was actually spent puking the evening away. It had meant to be a night with Kee Jia, Fun Juin, Henny and Patricia but I had to excuse myself repeatedly to the toilet to soothe a turbulent stomach which suddenly lost control after my fifth trip back. With the help of KJ's boyfriend, I managed to get on a cab to get home. The following three hours at home were horrendous. It wasn't so bad after the trip to the clinic though I still can't shake off the feelings of weakness in the limbs.

Regardless, I was being adamant on doing class on Thursday and finally did pointe after... Years. My pointe shoes have softened and my toenails were causing a lot of discomfort. Yet despite the threat of cramping metatarsals, I managed to complete the class, notwithstanding the fact that it was a really simple class. Well, I guess the pace was perfect for me since I obviously had no strength to carry out class at our usual intensity.

Funnily enough, this lack of strength makes me feel rather.. Cheery. Must be the whole sensation of floatiness.

With Mr & Mrs Cheng away in USA with the competition girls, Eryn and I have been given extra responsibilities which kind of intimidate me since it has to do with numbers. It would only be right to take on the challenge with much courage but that does not hinder the fact that I am afraid. On the bright side, without the whole relief-teaching stint anymore, I can finally focus setting my music theory learning straight, despite the additional hours at CBA.

It's rather fascinating to look at how life is at currently. To see how TNS is symbolic of foundation with regards to education, dance and music, how dance links me back to SC and choir links me back to SA. Things really do happen not for without a reason, it seems.

2011-05-16T09:57:00.003+01:00

Music. Choir. Ballet.

Everything that I'll miss if i really do leave. How much time do I have left? I want to know.

2011-05-11T16:47:00.001+01:00

I didn't choose to be conceived.
I didn't ask to be born..

2011-05-06T16:57:00.004+01:00

All I've been doing lately, is watching performances.. And having weird food cravings. Took a day off from school to watch SA's choir SYF at SOTA with Victoria, Ji Heon and Jodie. SA was the first to go since... Some other school withdrew from the competition.

There was a slight bit of envy just from looking at SOTA and all its wonderful facilities. In just the AM session, we had the chance to watch JC choirs across a multitude of calibre. It had been an odd sensation, watching the choir among the audience, seated with the principal. One was the fact that we were seated with our school principal who had not gone to our SYF in 2009. The other was that we were now watching the choir as grand seniors who have graduated from the school. I recall having felt so foreign towards the seniors who had come back to support us in 2009 so I'd gather that the current year ones would have probably felt the same when the four of us went back to watch them. This whole change in situation made us feel old. Old. Old. Old.

Due to the heavy storm and our insurmountable laziness, we'd hung around Strictly Pancakes for nearly four hours, talking about random things pertaining to useless general knowledge and "training" finger reflexes at the lunch table. The announcements of results was an emotional event with people ranging from shouts and screams of jubilation to those silently weeping. I feel extremely proud of the choir, for having broken out of the school's historic cycle of silvers. Unlike some other schools which break out into their school song or school cheer, being the loyal Christian school we are, the juniors broke out into none other than the school hymn. We held our skepticism as chorused, "One family unbroken, we join in one acclaim. One heart, one voice uplifting, to glorify Thy name." Regardless of my aversion towards organised religion, I've always had a soft spot for hymns. Then again, I also have soft spots for cathedral architecture and for stained-glass artwork. Confused kid, I am.

Today, Eryn and I had inherited Mr & Mrs Cheng's tickets to Shim Chung, performed by the Universal Ballet of Korea. Our seats, no doubt, were awesome. We were seating barely 15 metres from the stage and were nearly right in the middle of the row. I felt a little uneasy sitting at where we were, mostly because people around me paid the full price of the tickets and had every right to be sitting in the stalls and that we were seated together with the students of CBA and their mothers. Watching how these pairs of mother-daughters interacted made me feel so envious. Envious of how their mothers are equally as interested in what their daughters wish to pursue. Envious of how their mothers are able and willing to give their daughters full support be it financially, mentally and emotionally. It opened up to me a whole new dimension to parent-child relationships which I've never experienced nor having seen taken place in reality.

Anyhow, the ballet was really brilliant. It had a rather laughable ending but the everything else was really, really good. The props and performance was laced with so much precision. The male corps deserved a lot, a lot, a lot of applause. Their items gave me so much goosebumps. Just the execution of their steps earned a lot of gasps and exclamations. It was rather endearing to finally watch something related to ballet that isn't tragic. Watching Black Swan and Anna Karenina had been anything but a joyous experience, to be honest.

It's the year of the performing arts for me, it seems. Better milk it for all it's worth. I don't mean the free tickets. Since I'll be in London for a week, I'd rather scrimp and save on food and spend on tickets to performances because that's just so something that I'd do. Heh.

2011-05-01T03:08:00.006+01:00

Can't even play the piano at home in peace. Ugh. I'd deliberately skipped breakfast so that my parents will be out and that I can play it without my dad switching on the television while I'm playing or my mom shouting at anyone in the background. But no, the door started shaking and the knobs turned barely five minutes into playing. UGH. It makes me so immensely mad.

I hate how after moving to the new house, the piano has to be shifted out into the living room. It's essentially one of the most stupid things ever because there's always someone in the living room doing something so I can't play it. Dumbest thing was that I couldn't even practise for an exam. Ha. No wonder I failed. I am bitter. I am massively bitter. But they don't give a shit. They see it as an investment loss.

They think that I'm not bothered. Damned fuckers.

Anyhow, yesterday was an attempt to have the class to meet up before the rest of the guys get into army but the turnout was kind of lame. It slowly dwindled down to Mitchell, Michelle, Jing Li and me at Häagen-Dazs so we just talked and talked and talked. After Michelle left, Mitchell told us stories about his colleague from work. We were so worked up with amusement, conjuring possibilities of what could've happened and end up painting the worst of everything. Upon being shooed by a closing ice-cream parlour, the tale continued over walking to find a new spot to sit around. We'd settled for a spot on the stairs right outside Ion and continued till nearly midnight.

Frankly speaking, I don't really miss school. I don't really miss the class. It was nice seeing old classmates but I can't help feeling somewhat contrived in all these things. What I really want right now, is to get out of here.

2011-04-23T16:40:00.006+01:00

"Pain is good."
This is a phrase that I've been told to internalise, to recite, to believe in throughout the years in ballet. I have not heard it in ages, until a teacher repeated this to her students today as they squirmed and lamented in the sheer discomfort of stretching. Taking it out of ballet context, I suppose through pain, we learn. No pain, no gain, isn't it? Through the pain of loss, we learn to appreciate. Through the pain of failure, we learn to take cautious steps towards success. Through the pain of misery, we learn to hold onto happiness. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, right? That's what I hope for it to be, anyway.

I'm extremely thankful for the public holiday yesterday. I haven't exactly had a proper break since the 2nd term of school started five weeks ago and apart from relief-teaching, I've been dealing with administrative matters at the ballet place and helping out as a teaching assistant. Six days of work and work and work. Sundays often come and go quickly, so much so that it feels like a nap rather than a night's sleep in a day. After all, choir's going to resume soon (wow, seven weeks are going by in a flash) so I'll have my busy Sundays again soon. On the other hand, I feel really guilty for having not been able to find the right time to meet my piano teacher.

Mom and I had a change of handsets upon re-contracting our phone plans yesterday. Despite the fact that I'm quickly growing accustomed to the new Blackberry phone I've acquired, I do honestly quite miss my compact Nokia phone. The one where countless people have somehow either mistaken it for a pager (obsolete, much?) or a set of car keys (I can't drive!). The reasons behind the switch were purely superficial. I've told countless people about the reasons but some of them remain unconvinced. Word Mole, font customisation, customisable LED lights, WhatsApp and mobile Twitter are actually the motivating factors for the switch. Yes, Word Mole, the game. No matter how you scoff at that, I won't deny it.

Tea-time with Isabel at Bakerzin@Paragon was a really good time to catch up on certain things. I'd passed her USD50 just so that she can help me purchase some AFI albums that I can't find here. Scouring through corridors of high-end boutiques felt awkward and quite out of place but it was pretty funny, considering the fact that we'd bumped into this local actor with his singlet-clad entourage. With the remnants of soufflé and mille feuille swimming in my stomach, I'd settled for salad for dinner with Weng Keong. After a few wasted tries in the search for food, we finally settled for Fish&Co. I felt pretty bad for confusing the poor waitress who couldn't decide to listen to whose' instructions but, oh well. Our purposeful trip to Sim Lim Square proved to be fruitful, accompanied by friendly verbal exchanges which have ceased way too long ago. What had happened was something buried under murky water. No one knew how it'd started, how it screwed up and why it did. I guess, at this point, it's better not to know, for it seems we're better off this way anyway.

May is a month filled with pockets of public and school holidays. Despite the fact that it means that I won't be paid (hurhur), I'm hoping that it will be kinder to my state of mental rejuvenation. On the bright side, it probably means that the month would quickly slither by as we make our way into June. Yes, June. I can't wait to escape from here.

2011-04-20T08:39:00.001+01:00

When I say grow up, I mean for you to be logical, rational and mature. I'm not demanding you to divorce yourself from being what you essentially are in nature, even if child-likeness is what you are. You're at the age where you're fairly repellent to what you are being told to do, what you're being told to be. At this point, you may feel like it's a chore, that it's unreasonable, but life isn't all peaches and roses. As you're older, you look back on things, you'll uncover a stash of regrets accumulated from pure denial. You think that you've been above it all all the while, only to realise that you could have done it better, dealt with it better.

Haha, what a joke. No one's really ever themselves until they're all alone. You think you know what I am? You think living with me gives you a perfectly clear picture of what I believe in, what I feel and what I really want to be? Everyone fears being mocked at. I may as well be suffering from schizophrenia for the multiple personalities I put forth to others. No one ever knows everything about anyone. Despite all of that, I am sincere. It's so easy for everyone and anyone to point out others' mistakes but it's difficult to understand why the mistakes are made. Moreover, we can be so blind to our own flaws.

Many things I've said before I partially regret but I won't take them away because that would be being hypocritical, being a liar. All I can give to you are apologies and ask for your understanding but if you wish to stay obstinate that way, I can't stop you, can I? If you want to feel hot and bothered about what had happened out of pure childishness, no one's going to be able to make you feel otherwise until you convince yourself so.

I may not be the perfect example but I'm trying my best to help. If you don't want to give a fuck, then go ahead and screw yourself over. I'm done caring, I'm done bothering, I'm done trying. No one's ever meant to please anyone so I'm not bound by the obligation to do so either. It's just hilarious, how hypocritical you turn out to be. Just like them. Just like all of them. Anything else that crops up in future, I'll just be acting on basic instinct and nothing else.

I thought you'd know better but evidently, I've been proven wrong. I've misplaced my faith in you.

2011-04-17T10:18:00.002+01:00

April's half over and we're speeding into May. The year's going by really fast and it's scary. Scary, but not for the same reasons as last year. I feel as though time is passing and I'm getting nowhere. There is no destination as of yet. It's as though I'm wandering through life and squandering time. Short-term goals made quickly expire and fuse with memories, forming experience, past, history.

Deviating from the rant, thank you Wan Sing and Li Zhi, Masters of Mischief, for each of your own staged surprises and interesting collection of gifts in the past two weeks.

Friday night was spent at Li Zhi's house with Jia Ying, Ruici and Serena with a huge pile of dark chocolate and just enough space to sleep. It was really sweet, the whole thing (well uhm, the chocolate tower and the surprise) but I felt so incapable of saying more than just, "Aw, thank you guys." What I'd felt right then, apart from immense awkwardness and clueless-ness, was a bunch of foreign feelings of which I knew not how to cope with.

Why quell wanderlust when you can satiate it? The overseas trip with Deborah is finally happening. Two months and one day more to go before we fly off. I can barely wait. After getting the phone line ownership changed, I wandered around town for a little before heading home. Made two impulsive purchases in ZARA and then New Look, all very much in anticipation for the trip. I'm hoping that the jacket will last. It'll be the first time that I'm going overseas with a friend for a vacation and thus the heightened excitement. 13-hour flight. Joy.